Logan

For the first 7 months of my pregnancy with you, I named you Ryan.  Then, I changed my mind and named you Logan.  What I really wanted is a name synonymous to Joy, Passion, and Gusto!  Nothing was fitting so Logan will have to do.  As it is, you have been called and described by many other names : A bull in a china shop; funny, silly, gruff, impish, spunky.

I look at your face and I instantly feel joy, especially when you smile.  Your smile lights up the room and it reminds me so much of your dad.  Moreover, you inherited his athleticism, his adventurous daredevil spirit and share a big tender heart.  Your dad often confessed that you are a carbon copy of him as a child.  Rough and tough you may be, but you always soften up especially with me.  This year you have displayed such protectiveness over me.  You get upset when I get upset and always worry about my feelings.  I love that about you, it is the dimension of your personality that grew out of your sorrow. 

I love that you have this preserved innocence and can self soothe by playing independently for hours.  Sometimes I wonder if your independent playing is grief related—is it your way of coping ?  If so, I find it beautiful in every way.  When you make sound effects while playing, I want you to know that those are music to my ears. You are happiest when you are with friends and constantly want to be around people.  You’re social by nature, likeable and easy to please.

Christmas day at the beach, without prompting, you drew a picture in the sand.  I asked you what you were drawing and you replied, “I’m drawing a picture of dad, he’s an angel”.  I thought that was sweet and took a picture.  I happened to share the picture with Sandee, A Sand Play Therapist, and she assured me that this picture is a really good, positive sign of how you are doing.  Sand play organically brings out honest (inner) emotions and subliminal thoughts to the surface.  The picture of dad as an angel depicts your faith…. believing in the unseen.  Choosing to draw an angel, the deliverer of love and good, is comforting.  It is, I hope, a reflection of your positive grief/coping. 

I pray that you continue to thrive, to be yourself, to know joy, to be positive and most of all, to hold onto your childlike faith.  As you grow older, I know you will have many painful questions about your dad.  I apologize now for I won’t have an answer that will ease your pain or even help you understand our loss.  But I will help you hold dear all the good memories you had with your dad, help you treasure the legacy he left behind for you and remind you that he created a deep well of love for you in the large corner of your heart.  It will be your source of strength in times of despair.  For now and always, I want you to know how much you delight my soul.

Happy Birthday my sweet Logan. I love you deeply.

'Tis the Season

There is always this hurry to start the Christmas season with all the lights, music and commercialism of gifts (way) before December.  It never used to bother me until now.  The pressure to succumb too soon.

Well, December is now upon us.

What I've decided to do is to keep some of our Christmas traditions and also create new ones.  As much as I want to minimize this effort, the boys deserve more this year...more joy, more smiles, more of us--the three of us creating indelible memories together.  "Tis truly is the Season.

It's the 5th and we're off to a good start.  Christmas lights are up (thank you Teasleys), Christmas tree lit and trimmed (thank you Millers), Christmas photos taken (thank you Trish) and a Christmas prelude dinner (thank you Parkers) worth bragging about. 

The gifts we have been given are the richness of friendships.  It lasts not only for this season but for a lifetime.

November 19

Happy Birthday Bruce ! I woke up that morning of your birthday my mind filled with pictures of your smile.  I remember all the birthday dinners, weekend celebrations and milestone parties. If you were here, I know just exactly how we would celebrate your day...I can always predict your reaction because it has been consistent throughout the years...that of contentment and gratitude.  It was one of your favorties days of the year as it is mine.

The boys and I went to our favortie spot on the beach.  It was the perfect morning, the weather was crisp yet sunny and it was peaceful.  There was no one around except for a couple of people far away.  As usual, the boys raced to the shore and played for awhile.  We then gathered together to sing Happy Birthday and began our memorial for you.  How very proud I am of our boys. My heart swells with pride as I listen to them recite their fondest memories of you. You have done well Bruce....so well.  I see you in each of them so vividly.  Your spirit personified in each of them.  At this sighting, I am reminded of what incredible blessings the boys are to me...now more than ever.

I know you continue to guide them in spirit as they walk their journey day by day. We miss you deeply.  I have made it my mission to remind the boys the gift you have imparted to us:  To live life, embrace it with passion and purpose...it's my gift to you.

Lucas

Your name Lucas means bringer of light.  How fitting that we chose that name for you..for you are the light of my life.  When you came into this world, I had no idea that I could possibly love someone beyond words could describe.  The gift of being your mother is one of the most treasured and proudest role I uphold.

This is a defining year in our lives..in yours.  I will never be able to properly explain to you why you deserved such pain with our loss but what I want to impart to you is how very much you are loved and that in your 10 years of life, you had a amazing father who demonstrated his love for you uninhibitedly.  His love was so palpable it made him well up with tears.  I remember numerous times, after he puts you to bed, he would walk into our room with tears in his eyes saying, “how lucky he is to have been given the gift of our sons”.  He never took being a father for granted in fact, he challenged himself to be the best father he could be.  In turn, he always encouraged you to be the very best person you could be, to make wise decisions, for he knew you are destined for great things one day.

This adversity though tough to overcome at times, has also swelled your heart to be more compassionate, more responsible for yourself and mature well beyond your years.  To witness you maintain your self-confidence and courage is such an inspiration to me.  You never cease to amaze me Lucas.  I’m honored and humbled that God has chosen me to be your mom.

 

My hope is that even when you grow older, you will always remember and cherish all the memories you had with dad.  It is yours forever.  

My birthday wish for you is that you always be the light in the darkness..even when it dims, as it will, that you will always find a way to re-kindle with hope, your inner light for yourself and for others.  I love you my Lucas.  Happy 11th Birthday (tomorrow) !

Baggage

Arriving near the end of the end of the year and all its festivities puts me a heavy weight in my heart. Oh how Bruce loved to dress-up for Halloween.  It was always a fun day for our family.  It was permission to be just like our kids to dress-up and eat all the candy (chocolates) we wanted…all of our sugar rules are broken at least for that day.  His youthful spirit is one of the things I loved most about him.  The boys and I ached for his presence especially on this day.  Memories of our past Halloweens brought tears, blurring my vision all day.  We got through the night…and checked this off the list this year.

I now realize that I have this baggage I now carry.  I suppose everyone has one but somehow naively, I never thought I’d travel this life with one…well at least, I never planned on having one.  Some days the baggage is light and some days, it just takes all my might to even lift this handle.  There are days, I open this baggage and share it with others to receive comfort and a big hug. Some days I open it and all I want is to be with the privacy of my emotions.  During that privacy, I have a good hard cry.  It brings healing to my soul, it’s cleansing and wonderfully freeing.  When I do allow it to (over) flow, I actually feel better afterwards.

Grief is messy..there are no rules and not one person’s journey is the same.  I have to remind myself daily of what I already know…that I am in-charge of how I cope and to follow the light of hope….just then, this baggage I carry will lighten once again…at least until the next holiday.

Gratitude and Time

I've learned that we are created with the capacity and the freedom to determine how we will respond to unexpected  (good and bad) circumstances life brings our way. This is a powerful gift I don't overlook and careful not to take for granted.  Then there is faith and trust, the behind the scences overwhelming force that has allowed me to focus on gratitude for anything and everything despite....

Nothing like counting your blessings changes one's perspective instantly. It's a proven formula that guarantees a lift..granted it is not a natural human response to shift  to this way of thinking all the time.   It takes awakening to the awareness of it's power and realizing how it's been proven in my life time and time again.

I have been journaling all the blessings that has come our way since the tragedy.  Reading each one, I find myself in a deep sense of awe.  My continued trust in God's promises of making my curvy paths straight has made hope alive and well in my life. My portion is to have the endurance for the long haul.

There are so many miracles (I see them that way) that have since been laid out before us.  One of the greatest blessing is having my parents move nearby.  It's allowed for a deeper relationship for the boys and myself with them.  It's allowed me to exhale and have a load taken off my shoulders to simply having some time for myself --time I've lost since...to help re-fuel me in more ways than one.

 I read somewhere that "The proper function of a man is to live, not to exist". Time is a gift and shall not be wasted. I want to use my time to have more pauses to be thankful and in turn engrave the internal attitude of gratitude in my heart and in my mind...especially on the tough days ahead.

Milestones

There are those obvious milestones that carry a deep seated pain when they arrive.  The sheer anticipation of them causes some anxiety before they even occur.  I agree with others who say that the “firsts” are the most difficult: his birthday, mine, our boys, wedding anniversary, Father’s day, Thanksgiving, Christmas—these are the obvious ones.

Then there are other milestones that elicit an unexpected emotion, a feeling of being ambushed…such as Logan’s first flag football game, the finish line of our 5K runs together,  Lucas using deodorant for the first time, learning a new sport together and many others.  Convincingly, these foot tracks are also indicative of our efforts in moving forward in our new life.  They are not easy, but necessary.

A milestone that I look forward to is the moment when I think of Bruce, that sadness has finally escaped me and instead, it is replaced with joy.  Joyful for all the love and rich memories he has given me and our sons. 
I don’t know when that will be, but doing the next thing and the next will hopefully get me closer to it.