Unit to Village

The boys are growing fast both physically and emotionally.  Lucas has now surpassed me in height and Logan is not far behind.

It was this summer of 2013 that I witnessed such rapid growth. 

This summer, their appetites grew, they craved for more sleep and they have become more independent in many ways. This independence although necessary, saddens me at times.  They are wanting to spend more time with friends than with me.  I struggle to find family activities that they are excited about. I feel as though they are forced to do them and they are doing so just to pacify me. It's a bitter truth I have to swallow...they are going through pre-adolescent behavior (Lucas is)...

Lucas will be 13 soon.  Whether he is consciously aware of it, he takes a valiant role of being the "Protector" of our family unit.  He takes charge of making sure all the doors are locked and alarm is on nightly. He watches out for me in his own way.

Logan will be 11 in a month.  His character more pronounced in a way that is endearing but yet unpredictable at times. He is still learning to trust his decisions and his instincts.  I predict that even as he grows older, he will always be a kid at heart.  That is the part of Bruce that is in Logan.

In this pre-teen years, I am challenged by keeping up with their activities, hormones, mood wings and their natural desire to express themselves.  I also realize more than ever that it truly takes a village to raise a family.

"The" day

I got through "The" day with equal amount of sadness and laughter. As for the boys, the jury is still out.

We did the 5K Comfort Zone Run.  The great thing about running is that you allow your mind to process whatever your emotions dictate.  It's always been therapeutic for me and now I see the boys benefiting from it too.  What a gift to have had the run for us to do that morning.

Following the run, we wanted to honor Bruce's adventurous spirit by going on an indoor skydive at Lake Perris.  The long car ride there allowed for some good conversation, mostly laughter.  I glance at them from time to time and am amazed at how they have coped so far.  Of course they made mistakes along the way (so did I) and sometimes avoidance of "The" subject still seems like a safer place to be.  They have become my silent warriors.  They have learned to fight the fear that hinders their progress.  They are the bravest boys I know.

Arriving at the Skydive place, I watched each of the boys start with a grin then a smile from ear to ear.  I can see that it was an exhilarating experience for them.  Now my smile has doubled.

We ended the day with dinner (Logan's choice) and each made a journal entry.  With Bruce in our minds and our hearts, it's all we wrote about.

It was a good day.  Bruce would be proud.

The boys are precious....life is precious !

Dichotomy of feelings

We are creeping in on our 2 year mark, milestone, life shift, the dreadful day of March 16.  I struggle with the sight of it on the calendar.  The anticipation of this day brings me anxiety.

The anxiety comes not knowing the proper way to memorialize Bruce in a manner that would encompass our love and adoration for him in it's entirety ? Do I keep it simple as to not remind us of the pain in our hearts or do I test our resiliency ?  Do we keep ourselves pre-occupied and let the day pass as quickly as possible ?  There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Bruce.  He is very present in my mind and heart and will always be.

The boys and I have endured much the last two years.  We have also established a new life for ourselves.  There is this dichotomy of feelings..guilt that life went on without Bruce and sadness that life did go on without him.  Looking back, I'm glad to have passed the "survival mode" months and graduated to the acceptance of the cards that were dealt to me and playing it with my best hand.  There were many moments last year when I felt that we were making great strides in our healing, partly because I have given myself more grace and the permission to progress imperfectly at times.  I embrace the good feeling this healing brings.

Never have I lived life with more intention than I ever have.  Knowing there is a purpose and a bigger plan greater than mine, while continuing to trust in God's promises (Jeremiah 29:11).  I have been an encourager to others in sharing my God given strength and courage.  I praise and give thanks daily for it is still the only way I take the focus away from myself and avoid the trap of self-pity.  It is one of the most important gift I impart with the boys---to have gratitude, to search for the good in every day.

In Bruce Krall fashion, I think I'm going impromptu style on March 16.  The only planned activity is the Comfort Zone 5K then after that, I will be open to Bruce's spirit to guide us that day.