What I learned last night was that my walk-in closet was not sound proof; the bathroom is worse : and try as I must I just can't cry silently...no not the guttural kind. Grief just overcame me.
So much for wanting to sleep most of the day.. I woke up to my usual 6am hour but this time with a dismal feeling and having a lump in my throat that just won't subside.
Our first Father's Day without Bruce.
I started the day with a morning run with Logan and our dog Harley. Then I made Logan a big breakfast, where I actually sat down and enjoyed the meal with him (I'm usually in a hurried state at this hour)--that was a treat in and of itself. After picking up Lucas from his sleepover, we went on our favorite hike to the top of a mountain in Laguna Beach and began our Father's Day ceremonial/tribute to Bruce. Lucas was uncomfortable all morning with a "let's just get this over and done with" posture. Logan noticing his brother's aloofness, reminded him by saying "Lucas why are you like that, this is for our dad, c'mon". What isn't as obvious to Logan is that a part of me feels the same as Lucas does. A flood of tears just flowed out of me, so I shifted gears and started with a prayer of thanksgiving--enumerating all that he has given us and remembering the kind of father that he is. Balloons in hand, note pad and pens, we each began to write a note to Bruce.
Lucas' note : The three things I love about you is that you are funny, supportive and encouraging. Happy Father's Day Dad. Love, Lucas
Logan's note :What I love most is when we were dancing naked. And going to the Jacuzzi naked. But what I love most is you. I love you, Logan
We then tied the note to the balloons and released them to the sky. Looking down, we met each other's eyes with tears. Shifting outside ourselves, we thought about all the other wonderful fathers we know. My father, who helped shape me for the person that I am with his confidence in me and for instilling a spiritual sense. All their uncles: Kevin, Steve, Erwin, Eric, Gene who offer a deep love and commitment to us. Then I thought about my friends who lost their fathers and reached out to them as I now I can honestly say.. "I truly understand the loss".
Thank goodness I brought our new cosmic rocket (vinegar and baking soda) to launch on top of this mountain. Who knew that the idea of bringing this rocket would dry those tears and change them to laughter (a few unsuccessful launches sprayed vinegar all over our shirts and hair). Hiking down, I asked the boys where we should have lunch. They suggested Philly's Best because dad loves that place (whenever I'm out of town, he would take the boys to have his Philly cheese steak sandwiches, which reminds him of his hometown, Pennsylvania).
When we arrived home, Logan and I played a long game of badminton while Lucas pelted me with his marshmallow gun...suddenly this lump in my throat vanished.
We then attended the late service at church, then ended the day with a Jacuzzi soak (not quite in Bruce's fashion as I opted to wear a swimsuit)..this was Bruce's favorite way to cap the weekend.
Having anticipated a sorrowful day, it was actually not so bad. There were a myriad of emotions throughout the day, but the most important thing is that we got through it together. Our bond is forever strengthened because of this.
Throughout the day, I would receive emails, texts, Facebook messages and voicemails from friends who are keeping us in their thoughts today. I am so, so touched by every single one and it is without question, how I was able to gain stamina and get through the day with grace.
