Not so fast forward...

It's been 18 months and so much has happened. How could have we continued life without you?  Most days, I still feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Yes, we're surviving but it doesn't feel right or normal (we left behind "normal" 18 months ago).
The boys and I have made heavy foot tracks on our path uphill yet forward direction.  I suppose it's what we are supposed to do.  It's what the world expects of us to function and get back to the mainstream of life. Yet, inside of me I feel conflicted sort of a betrayal of my past.  Because moving forward also means I have advanced so far away from my beautiful life with you--I feel so far away from those memories...our amazing love story, our adventures, our life as a family of four.
I'm keeping your dreams for our boys alive.  It's a monumental task, but I'm all in!
Faith, hope and love are getting us through.

The Irony

It would have been our 14 year wedding anniversary today....
I miss YOU with every ounce of my being.
I woke up this morning not quite upright as I feel my insides collapsing.
Yes, I will continue to move forward (I promise) but..
I must admit it is much harder today.  I'm tempted to take the path of least resistance..but I won't not for your sake and more importantly for our sons.

I miss you telling me that marrying me was the most important decision you ever made in your life.
I miss you telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss you holding my hand until we fall asleep
I miss our date nights..
I miss you calling me your "angel"...and now you are mine.

Strictly Ballroom

Several months ago, I decided to take ballroom lessons.  It was a desire I had many years ago but life took over..or at least my priorities as a wife, mother, volunteer and consultant overrode the desire.

Ironically this time as a single mother, who's always starved for time, I decided to awaken this passion for dance that's been dormant for decades.  I remember walking in the door of the dance studio and immediately feeling excitement.  After my first dance lesson, I was giddy and completely hooked!  Right then, I decided to indulge myself in weekly lessons.  It was therapeutic and a medium of expression for my emotions.  The short hour during the week allows me to fuel my tank with joy.

Last Saturday was my debut performance.  It was a special night because it was the culmination of something born out of my grief.  I had a blast!  To hear my family and friends cheer me on gave me  confidence knowing I have just made another leap forward in courage.  It's a night I will never forget..not so much for the experience of dancing on stage but for the healing I felt embraced me that night.

Ruminating

It's the morning after last day of school and I am reading the boys' school report card. I am reading each line with such pride on their excellent scores both on academics and character. What blesses me is not so much that they achieved this ratings but that they achieved this despite the tragedy that occurred in our lives. They worked hard, behaved well while having a hole in their hearts. They smiled and laughed a lot (Logan the official class clown), took chances (Lucas running for Student Council twice), played hard (both are the admired by their peers for their athleticism) and are leaders without a doubt. I have watched them walk the school grounds with such confidence in their step, their chins are up and friends always surrounding them. Whether they are aware of it or not, they have learned to live above their circumstance and are not defined by the circumstance.

Of course, we are just a year out and they have many more school years ahead of them..but the lesson they have learned is nothing short of extraordinary.  I am encouraged and inspired by them everyday. They have done their dad proud ! What an incredible honor to be their mother.  

My Daily Devotion

I start my day reading my devotions.  It is my way of communing with God and in doing so, I am amazed at how He responds.

(An excerpt from "Streams in the Desert")

We tend to find many ways of walking around emergencies instead of walking straight through them.  So often we are faced with something that frightens or overwhlems us and seek to evade the problem with the excuse :"I'm not quite ready for that now." It may require some sacrifice, or demand our obedience in some area.  Perhaps there is some Jericho we are facing, or we are lacking the courage to help someone else and to pray through his concern with him.  Perhaps we have a prayer that awaits completion, or a physical problem that is partially healed and we continue to walk around it.  Pay as little attention to discouragement as possible.  Plow ahead like a steamship, which moves forward whether facing rough or smooth seas, and in rain or shine.  Remember the goal is simply to carry the cargo and make it to port.

Detour

Rewind, retract, backslide, relapse –this was the theme for my week.  I along with the other bereaved families from the plane crash received the NTSB report. 

Since March last year, I intentionally shielded myself from the news on TV, stopped my newspaper subscription and no longer listen to KNX news radio.  It was a way of protecting myself knowing the limitations I can place on my emotions and the triggers that will just set me off to a sad, very dark place.  So here we are a little over a year I thought, perhaps I can handle reading this report.  Never would I realize the frailty of my emotions.  Reading the report opened the floodgates and dug an even bigger hole in my heart (if that is possible).  This time I realized not only am I suffering the immense loss, I also now have some information that I can’t swallow.  I know it’s not the final report, but it might as well be..because final is exactly what I am feeling.

I had to re-read my own previous blog entries to instill hope in me again.  I had to remind and prove to myself that there were many times in the year when I felt hopeful and that I am capable of living above my circumstances.  This week I’m struggling to be convinced of it.

A friend told me once that “the only way through is through..not under or behind but right through”.  This is a long tunnel through but I am forging on ahead.  I have accepted that the detour along the way is part of the journey.  My wish is to come out the other end having shed all the emptiness, sorrow and bitterness.  I want to greet the light at the end of the tunnel with grace for I still firmly believe I have a greater purpose to fulfill.

My boys, my precious boys they save me.  I stare at them to find Bruce in each of them.  What permeates their being is the joyful nature and disposition they share with their father.  I see the twinkle in both of their eyes that is exactly, without a doubt just like their father’s.  Now I’m simply reminded of my gratitude.

I can't wait for tomorrow.  Everyday forward is a day away from the past. 

Sunrise is coming…it is always a sight to behold.

Change

Time is flying by so swiftly.  The boys are growing like weeds before my eyes.  Lucas is almost as tall as me and Logan clearly cannot be described as a baby boy any longer.  His once soft legs, which I loved to caress and squeeze, have morphed into thunder thighs.  How could this be that Bruce is not here to witness all of these?  He always paid attention to the details of their physical, mental and emotional growth.  He frequently talked about how he envisioned playing golf with them as young adults.  It is why he invested time with them on lessons and played dozens upon dozens of courses at a very young age.  He also made them amazing skiers, for he knew it is the one other sport he could participate with them even in his golden years.  Bruce had an infinite list of things and adventures he planned to do with the boys.   What he did best in the midst of all the planning is that he cherished the present moment and lived it so vividly with them.  It was as if he knew he was leaving us so soon.

This is our transition year.  I am in the process of selling our home.  The most difficult part of that decision was breaking the news to my sons.  I treaded carefully, threw in a little bribe and a lot of assurance that all will be well.  They accepted the decision just as I had hoped and prayed for.  How proud I am of them and a testimony of their trust in me.  Now I’m tempted to sweeten the bribe.

What’s been underscored this year is the knowing that nothing ever stays the same.  Change is inevitable and we have each learned to embrace them even while swallowing our tears.  Our circumstance has matured the boys emotionally ahead of their peers.  I realize this will serve them well as they become adults but for now, I am constantly guarding their hearts.

The pact of March 16

We've reached the one year mark...It's March 16th. The boys and I decided that every year on this day, we would do something fun, memorable and perhaps even adventurous as they get older. They have always wanted to sky dive (like Bruce and I did) and I said, “we can save those for when you are older and do it on that day. Let's make this an event, a day that we look forward to with excitement”. I'm glad they agreed. It's too exhausting being somber all day...I know, I've experienced it many times. I also know that Bruce is saying Amen to this new pact I made with the boys.

So this first year, we decided to do something more mellow . Logan has not been to Knott's Berry Farm and is finally tall enough to ride the crazy roller coasters thus, this was the choice for the 16th of March this year.

It was a dreary day, to me it was reflective of what I was feeling inside. Driving the freeway at just about 10:25am, I look up and see an airplane in the sky. At exactly 10:30am I see a sign to Long Beach...I wondered if I ever noticed the Long Beach sign on the 5 freeway. I know I see it on the 405 but the 5 ?? It felt like a moment of torture reading that sign at the exact time of Bruce's departure.
Anyway, a few more minutes we arrive at our destination....thank goodness!

All I can say is, I can’t believe I rode all the rides that I did. I screamed to the top of my lungs, straining my vocal cords and laughed in between the rides. I've decided I would rather sky dive again than be inverted, twisted and be scared out of my mind on the roller coasters. When did the rides get this extreme? The reward however was earning “You’re the coolest mom” award from the boys.

All day, I was blessed with dozens upon dozens of messages, texts and phone calls remembering us this day. It touched me as I didn’t know they remembered the exact day. I’m comforted by each and every one. I now cry tears of joy.

We miss you so much Bruce.  I can't beleive it's been a year...sometimes it feels like yesterday and at times it feels like a lifetime. 

Flying solo

Five months before my annual Girls Weekend, my dear friend Annie starts planning the trip.  This long anticipated gilrs weekend has been one of my favorite times of the year since we started 4 years ago.  It is a time to indulge and be pampered.  The most important luxury that we partake in is just being in the company of truly wonderful women.  We laugh our hearts out, dive into deep conversations and create memorable events that will last a lifetime.

Knowing that the event will take place in March, just a couple of weeks from THE day caused some anxiety on my part.  I thought well..., I can always purchase my plane ticket and cancel when I want, but at least I had something to look forward to. 

Alas, the weekend has arrived and I was able to muster the courage I needed to overcome the fear...the fear of flying for the first time without my sons since the tragedy.  Was it too soon to fly without them ?  Days before I got on the plane, I must have said a hundred prayers and even rallied my friends to add me to their prayer list as well.  Although I wasn't worried about my flight so much as I was worried about my sons worrying about me.  I'm comforted knowing they are in good hands with my parents but I wondered if they were fearful inside as I was.  Thank goodness for cell phones and texting.  We stayed connected throughout the weekend, and I know this was a calming factor for both of us.

My decision to go was by no means a careless one.  I decided to go because I didn't want to be crippled by fear.  To show my sons that we have to continue to live, to be brave and be in front of the shadow not behind it.  One of the greatest lessons I have learned and embraced from Bruce is to continue to challenge myself--not to take the path of least resistance but to take the higher road instead even when the obstacles seem insurmountable.  He has changed me in this way, and it is a part of me that is truly him that will stay with me forever. I know Bruce is nodding with approval and proud that I flew by myself and conquered that fear. After all, I arrived at the destination he was going to (Deer Valley) last March 16th and arrived home safely. This is one of my most significant milestone achieved this year.

It was home sweet home arriving to my two loving boys. Although flying solo was fine, flying as a threesome is even better (just not on Girls weekend).

Lessons for the two

The gift of having two sons equals having two dates for Valentine's Day.  They are both adorable, sweet, generous with their compliments and holds my hands without a moment's notice.  How's that for a perfect dinner date?  The extra bonus is that I can still lather them with kisses without permission, anytime and anyplace.  Sadly, I'm predicting this will expire soon with my 11 year old..so I'm stealing kisses when I can.

Valentine's dinner was memorable this year.  Reservations were made by our friends who also secretly planned and paid for the dinner.  The boys had roses waiting for me at the restaurant, dinner timed perfectly during the sunset hour and the food and service was tops!

Our dinner time conversation was teaching the boys lessons in being a true gentleman. Open doors, pull out the ladies' seat, ladies first (always), table manners, etc.  Basically, I reminded them how their dad behaved during our dinner outs.  It rolled off my tongue very easily and so it did with them as well.  Then we talked at length about the core of a true gentleman.. the character, virtue and moral convictions--what they mean in words and in deeds.  Perhaps it was a bit over their heads but I was encouraged with their intent listening.  I revel on teaching moments like this where I vividly capture their attention and engage in an open dialogue with them which includes laughter, queries and reminiscing.  
With full bellies, we walked off our dinner strolling hand in hand.  I'm smiling inside with contentment in my heart.  I could not have asked for better company tonight than my two precious litlle gentlemen.

Sunrise

I always look forward to a new calendar year. It reminds me of the sunrise..it always spells out hope, a new beginning and growth—personal, emotional, spiritual and physical.  It’s an opportunity to re-write and re-define myself at least for the coming year.  Well, truthfully…I really didn’t have to turn the calendar for this prompting.

This New Year’s Resolution is like no other.  It’s with fierce determination that I remain focused on what’s important.  What I've learned is that I’m not in total control of what lies ahead but I’m making my wish list and just hope that with every detour and descent in this journey, the rise will be higher than the last.  I hope to continue to face life boldly day by day and welcome the surprises along the way.