Prelude to Empty Nest

I have heard it all even from many years past when my babies were little.  I heard stories of what life was like teetering on that next stage in life.... empty nest.  I hear of depression, loneliness, questioning one's self-worth, regret, doubts, fear, you name it.  (Rarely do I hear excitement or joy). 

My son Logan is a senior in high school and I am now experiencing all of the above emotions and maybe even more.  There are no cliques about it, if anything I often feel they are under statements of the gravity of these emotions.  He's almost 18 years old.  Lucas is away for college and it's just Logan and I at home.  I'm blessed enough to have been working remotely for the last 10 years, so I can be as present to them as they need me.  At 17 however, my importance to him has been discounted as he would rather be with his friends, talking and sharing his life with.  As much as it saddens me, I realize and understand that this is a normal part of his development.  I then practice lots and lots of grace, mercy and patience.  It's not easy and made more complicated because I am traversing this path alone.

I've been more introspective and find myself trying to roll the tears back from my eyes.  I'm trying to occupy myself with many activities but with the global pandemic, the choices are limited and social activities are almost nil.  

The questions that keep tormenting me are:

Have I done enough to establish a solid foundation of a strong character and faith in them ?

Did I affirm them enough?  Was I too lenient or too strict?

Did we go on enough adventures? 

Did I help them deal with their grief and healing?  

Did I apologize enough?  

I suppose these are all the same questions many soon-to- be empty nesters ask, but boy, it sure feels personal to me.  I want to go back in time when they were on the heels of my every step and my presence was summoned at every minute.  It is now but a fond memory to cherish.

Life sure is one big transition

 It feels as though I have entered a revolving door to the many transitions of life.  Lucas is now a second year college student and Logan is a senior in high school.  

The minute Lucas walked his high school graduation podium, I just knew the next day would mark the beginning and the end of our family unit of 3 at home.  We prepared for Lucas' entry to UCSB, the summer was short.  Lucas worked as an ocean lifeguard all summer and found very little time together.  We shopped for dorm room essentials, we tried.. (well I did) try not to get too emotional as I helped picked out items for him.  His launch could not have been more perfect than it was.  God had it all planned perfectly!  God picked the right roommates, college environment and actives that appealed to him.  It helped eased the separation anxiety I was feeling.  And here we are, on his second year at college and just about to turn 20 years old.

Logan is preparing as best he can to have a senior year worth remembering.  The pandemic arrived early this year and unfortunately, it is still lingering for who knows how long.  I'm saddened that the prospect of having an in-person schooling is looking very dim.  There's so much loss to even try to count.  Logan is online studying and has learned to adapt to this with a better attitude that I imagined.  He is now writing his college essays holding hope that he would land at one of his desired colleges.    

I pray continually and trust that God is in control.  I can't reconcile in my mind this pandemic and how our lives have been so affected in so many ways..  We are living in a new way that is less social, less active and more isolated.  I have decided that I will stop wondering and just pray for the recovery of our world soon.

Transitions are challenging.  I'm about to enter another one (empty nest) and I'm not ready to accept even the thought of it yet.