Arriving near the end of the end of the year and all its festivities puts me a heavy weight in my heart. Oh how Bruce loved to dress-up for Halloween. It was always a fun day for our family. It was permission to be just like our kids to dress-up and eat all the candy (chocolates) we wanted…all of our sugar rules are broken at least for that day. His youthful spirit is one of the things I loved most about him. The boys and I ached for his presence especially on this day. Memories of our past Halloweens brought tears, blurring my vision all day. We got through the night…and checked this off the list this year.
I now realize that I have this baggage I now carry. I suppose everyone has one but somehow naively, I never thought I’d travel this life with one…well at least, I never planned on having one. Some days the baggage is light and some days, it just takes all my might to even lift this handle. There are days, I open this baggage and share it with others to receive comfort and a big hug. Some days I open it and all I want is to be with the privacy of my emotions. During that privacy, I have a good hard cry. It brings healing to my soul, it’s cleansing and wonderfully freeing. When I do allow it to (over) flow, I actually feel better afterwards.
Grief is messy..there are no rules and not one person’s journey is the same. I have to remind myself daily of what I already know…that I am in-charge of how I cope and to follow the light of hope….just then, this baggage I carry will lighten once again…at least until the next holiday.
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