Ruminating

It's the morning after last day of school and I am reading the boys' school report card. I am reading each line with such pride on their excellent scores both on academics and character. What blesses me is not so much that they achieved this ratings but that they achieved this despite the tragedy that occurred in our lives. They worked hard, behaved well while having a hole in their hearts. They smiled and laughed a lot (Logan the official class clown), took chances (Lucas running for Student Council twice), played hard (both are the admired by their peers for their athleticism) and are leaders without a doubt. I have watched them walk the school grounds with such confidence in their step, their chins are up and friends always surrounding them. Whether they are aware of it or not, they have learned to live above their circumstance and are not defined by the circumstance.

Of course, we are just a year out and they have many more school years ahead of them..but the lesson they have learned is nothing short of extraordinary.  I am encouraged and inspired by them everyday. They have done their dad proud ! What an incredible honor to be their mother.  

My Daily Devotion

I start my day reading my devotions.  It is my way of communing with God and in doing so, I am amazed at how He responds.

(An excerpt from "Streams in the Desert")

We tend to find many ways of walking around emergencies instead of walking straight through them.  So often we are faced with something that frightens or overwhlems us and seek to evade the problem with the excuse :"I'm not quite ready for that now." It may require some sacrifice, or demand our obedience in some area.  Perhaps there is some Jericho we are facing, or we are lacking the courage to help someone else and to pray through his concern with him.  Perhaps we have a prayer that awaits completion, or a physical problem that is partially healed and we continue to walk around it.  Pay as little attention to discouragement as possible.  Plow ahead like a steamship, which moves forward whether facing rough or smooth seas, and in rain or shine.  Remember the goal is simply to carry the cargo and make it to port.

Detour

Rewind, retract, backslide, relapse –this was the theme for my week.  I along with the other bereaved families from the plane crash received the NTSB report. 

Since March last year, I intentionally shielded myself from the news on TV, stopped my newspaper subscription and no longer listen to KNX news radio.  It was a way of protecting myself knowing the limitations I can place on my emotions and the triggers that will just set me off to a sad, very dark place.  So here we are a little over a year I thought, perhaps I can handle reading this report.  Never would I realize the frailty of my emotions.  Reading the report opened the floodgates and dug an even bigger hole in my heart (if that is possible).  This time I realized not only am I suffering the immense loss, I also now have some information that I can’t swallow.  I know it’s not the final report, but it might as well be..because final is exactly what I am feeling.

I had to re-read my own previous blog entries to instill hope in me again.  I had to remind and prove to myself that there were many times in the year when I felt hopeful and that I am capable of living above my circumstances.  This week I’m struggling to be convinced of it.

A friend told me once that “the only way through is through..not under or behind but right through”.  This is a long tunnel through but I am forging on ahead.  I have accepted that the detour along the way is part of the journey.  My wish is to come out the other end having shed all the emptiness, sorrow and bitterness.  I want to greet the light at the end of the tunnel with grace for I still firmly believe I have a greater purpose to fulfill.

My boys, my precious boys they save me.  I stare at them to find Bruce in each of them.  What permeates their being is the joyful nature and disposition they share with their father.  I see the twinkle in both of their eyes that is exactly, without a doubt just like their father’s.  Now I’m simply reminded of my gratitude.

I can't wait for tomorrow.  Everyday forward is a day away from the past. 

Sunrise is coming…it is always a sight to behold.