Boys to Men

As the saying goes... "time flies".  This is never to be under estimated for with me, time is flying in warp speed!  Lucas is 22 years old finishing his last year of college.  He is double majoring in Economics and Environmental Studies.  He completed a 5 month study abroad program in Madrid and while living there, he got to visit & travel to several countries in Europe.  What an amazing adventure!  He along with two of his friends are busy balancing school, part-time job and work on their start-up company.  I am so very proud of him and the life he is creating for himself.  

Logan is 20 years old and in his second year at UC Davis.  His senior year of high school has been the most challenging yet, with the implications of Covid restrictions, his ACL surgery, dealing with his delayed grief and the consenquences of it.  I must say, it was one of the hardest year of my parenting.  I worried about him, his mental and emotional state constantly.  I was on my knees in prayer needing minute by minute wisdom & guidance to help him navigate this uncharted path.  But, God is good!  Logan still graduated with a 4.0, white coat Valedictorian and got admitted to UC Davis.  

God does have a  plan, and it is good.  UC Davis is the perfect school for him.  Logan is much happier and has since gained his equilibrium to his normal self.  Logan continues to be active socially with fraternity, sports and friends and  I am beyond grateful for my prayers answered.  Logan is double majoring in Psychology and Spanish.  

I am humbled by them.  I love watching them grow and evolve to the man that they are.  My love for each of them goes beyond words and actions.

Bruce, you would be beyond proud of our boys.  They are every bit of you in each of them... adventurous, kind hearted, respectful, smart as whip and so darn handsome.  May your spirit watch over them always and forever.

Blessed are the one who endures trials...

Here we are at the 10 year mark of Bruce's passing.  How did the 10 years just passed?  It's still hard to imagine that we lived our lives this last decade without him .  What I can boldly confess is that with each passing year, there is this complexity and difficulty that I still find hard to navigate... as the years went on, it was harder to protect the boys' emotions because the loss of their father was more glaring as they got older.  They each desperately yearned for his presence, guidance and wisdom.  I could also imagine Bruce beautifully transitioning his dad role to an amazing friend to each of our boys as they reached adulthood.  

The boys are processing the loss in their individualized manner which is not visible to me other than the weight I feel seeing them carry this shared burden.  Never a day goes by that I don't wish Bruce was still here, especially for the boys.  They are young men now, and I just hope that one day they will look back and remember that we did our very best to move forward with grace.

More importantly, to remember that despite it all, that God held us close to Him, provided and protected us.

James 1:12 - God will bless you, if you don't give up when your faith is being tested

Prelude to Empty Nest

I have heard it all even from many years past when my babies were little.  I heard stories of what life was like teetering on that next stage in life.... empty nest.  I hear of depression, loneliness, questioning one's self-worth, regret, doubts, fear, you name it.  (Rarely do I hear excitement or joy). 

My son Logan is a senior in high school and I am now experiencing all of the above emotions and maybe even more.  There are no cliques about it, if anything I often feel they are under statements of the gravity of these emotions.  He's almost 18 years old.  Lucas is away for college and it's just Logan and I at home.  I'm blessed enough to have been working remotely for the last 10 years, so I can be as present to them as they need me.  At 17 however, my importance to him has been discounted as he would rather be with his friends, talking and sharing his life with.  As much as it saddens me, I realize and understand that this is a normal part of his development.  I then practice lots and lots of grace, mercy and patience.  It's not easy and made more complicated because I am traversing this path alone.

I've been more introspective and find myself trying to roll the tears back from my eyes.  I'm trying to occupy myself with many activities but with the global pandemic, the choices are limited and social activities are almost nil.  

The questions that keep tormenting me are:

Have I done enough to establish a solid foundation of a strong character and faith in them ?

Did I affirm them enough?  Was I too lenient or too strict?

Did we go on enough adventures? 

Did I help them deal with their grief and healing?  

Did I apologize enough?  

I suppose these are all the same questions many soon-to- be empty nesters ask, but boy, it sure feels personal to me.  I want to go back in time when they were on the heels of my every step and my presence was summoned at every minute.  It is now but a fond memory to cherish.

Life sure is one big transition

 It feels as though I have entered a revolving door to the many transitions of life.  Lucas is now a second year college student and Logan is a senior in high school.  

The minute Lucas walked his high school graduation podium, I just knew the next day would mark the beginning and the end of our family unit of 3 at home.  We prepared for Lucas' entry to UCSB, the summer was short.  Lucas worked as an ocean lifeguard all summer and found very little time together.  We shopped for dorm room essentials, we tried.. (well I did) try not to get too emotional as I helped picked out items for him.  His launch could not have been more perfect than it was.  God had it all planned perfectly!  God picked the right roommates, college environment and actives that appealed to him.  It helped eased the separation anxiety I was feeling.  And here we are, on his second year at college and just about to turn 20 years old.

Logan is preparing as best he can to have a senior year worth remembering.  The pandemic arrived early this year and unfortunately, it is still lingering for who knows how long.  I'm saddened that the prospect of having an in-person schooling is looking very dim.  There's so much loss to even try to count.  Logan is online studying and has learned to adapt to this with a better attitude that I imagined.  He is now writing his college essays holding hope that he would land at one of his desired colleges.    

I pray continually and trust that God is in control.  I can't reconcile in my mind this pandemic and how our lives have been so affected in so many ways..  We are living in a new way that is less social, less active and more isolated.  I have decided that I will stop wondering and just pray for the recovery of our world soon.

Transitions are challenging.  I'm about to enter another one (empty nest) and I'm not ready to accept even the thought of it yet.

March 16, Eight years today...

Each year on this this angel anniversary, I wake up with a mix of emotions… anxious, sadness, doubtful and proud.  It’s hard to validate which of these feelings was most dominant.

I anxiously await for the day to arrive and be over so I can drop the heaviness I’ve been carrying all week long.

The sadness I feel is for my sons who year by year are farther away from their clear memories of their father.  For every milestone they achieve, their dad is not physically present to witness them all.

Now that my boys are teenagers (16,18), I doubt myself in whether I am properly memorializing their beloved father on this day without being overly sentimental or being dismissive by not doing enough to honor such an amazing human being.

The most positive feeling of this day is how proud I am of how my sons have evolved.  They are amazingly courageous, resilient and are young men of good character.  Their dad would be beyond proud of them.  If he were physically present today, I would see his face beaming with pride and his heart soaring out of his chest.

On our long drive to Pasadena today, I asked Logan how much memories he remembers of his dad.  He says he doesn’t remember as much as he was only 8 years old… which again deeply saddened me. I then excitedly shared some fond memories of him and his dad, which will always be vivid in mine.   I could tell from his listening posture that he appreciated the stories and it somehow filled in the gap in his mind.  More than the stories, I mostly reiterated to him how very much loved and valued he was by his dad.

Lucas who in the last 2 anniversaries was very private and uncomfortable about sharing or memorializing his father.  He tends to keep his thoughts to himself.  Today, when he was open and conversant about talking about our memories of Bruce, that it delighted and comforted me.

Arrived at 6 years

These days, I find myself measuring time by when I entered my new chapter of life…Life after Bruce.  Today is 6 years in this new journey. 

The anticipation of this day always brings me some anxiety because the hardest most painful part of this is the grief I have for my children.  I carry their unspoken pain with me.  How do we properly memorialize their dad when there is so much to say, yet being sensitive to their emotions of not overwhelming them to the brink of tears. 

What calms me is when I begin to think of how far we’ve come along and how God has carried us through step by step.  He appointed special people in our lives as vessels of His hope, love and protection.  It’s a beautiful revelation.

Treasured video

The boys are in Santa Barbara for the weekend with a family friend to celebrate Logan's friend Henry's birthday.  I was cleaning up my desk searching for Christmas mailing labels to send out our Christmas cards and I came across an old video titled " First Xmas without Bruce".  I hesitated to click to watch it for I wasn't sure how I would react.  Well, seeing the precious pictures of my sons on the cover was irresistible.  Click here it goes…

This was December 2011, the first Christmas for us, a new family of 3.  The boys racing down the stairs gleefully and beaming with joy just likes every Christmas morning since.  Then the video came to when I spoke to them….speaking directly to their hearts and telling them how much I love them, how much their dad loves them and even though they can’t see him, he is always present in our hearts.  I told them that only good things will happen from here on out for we have already suffered the most terrible thing.  Then the boys each opened their gifts one by one with such excitement I wish I could contain them in a jar.  The joy they have in receiving each one, appreciating them the way they did warmed my heart.  Then came the part of the video when I read each of the boy’s card to me.  I paused, I wept, I mourned but more notably, I felt so proud for each of them for writing a heartfelt sentiment that took so much courage for an 11 and 8 year old to express.  I will cherish this the rest of my life. 

Watching this video now almost 6 years in this journey, I am beyond grateful for God’s providence in our lives.  He carried us through, He answered our prayers and He blessed us in countless ways.

So much has happened in the 6 years since.  What is evident is that we are a happy family of 3.  We are bonded by our pain and loss and through it all we stood up, we walked forward and cultivated a grateful heart.  We learned that hope is alive, that even in the midst of suffering, we can look ahead to find rainbows in the sky.  For the sun always comes after the rain.