Logan

For the first 7 months of my pregnancy with you, I named you Ryan.  Then, I changed my mind and named you Logan.  What I really wanted is a name synonymous to Joy, Passion, and Gusto!  Nothing was fitting so Logan will have to do.  As it is, you have been called and described by many other names : A bull in a china shop; funny, silly, gruff, impish, spunky.

I look at your face and I instantly feel joy, especially when you smile.  Your smile lights up the room and it reminds me so much of your dad.  Moreover, you inherited his athleticism, his adventurous daredevil spirit and share a big tender heart.  Your dad often confessed that you are a carbon copy of him as a child.  Rough and tough you may be, but you always soften up especially with me.  This year you have displayed such protectiveness over me.  You get upset when I get upset and always worry about my feelings.  I love that about you, it is the dimension of your personality that grew out of your sorrow. 

I love that you have this preserved innocence and can self soothe by playing independently for hours.  Sometimes I wonder if your independent playing is grief related—is it your way of coping ?  If so, I find it beautiful in every way.  When you make sound effects while playing, I want you to know that those are music to my ears. You are happiest when you are with friends and constantly want to be around people.  You’re social by nature, likeable and easy to please.

Christmas day at the beach, without prompting, you drew a picture in the sand.  I asked you what you were drawing and you replied, “I’m drawing a picture of dad, he’s an angel”.  I thought that was sweet and took a picture.  I happened to share the picture with Sandee, A Sand Play Therapist, and she assured me that this picture is a really good, positive sign of how you are doing.  Sand play organically brings out honest (inner) emotions and subliminal thoughts to the surface.  The picture of dad as an angel depicts your faith…. believing in the unseen.  Choosing to draw an angel, the deliverer of love and good, is comforting.  It is, I hope, a reflection of your positive grief/coping. 

I pray that you continue to thrive, to be yourself, to know joy, to be positive and most of all, to hold onto your childlike faith.  As you grow older, I know you will have many painful questions about your dad.  I apologize now for I won’t have an answer that will ease your pain or even help you understand our loss.  But I will help you hold dear all the good memories you had with your dad, help you treasure the legacy he left behind for you and remind you that he created a deep well of love for you in the large corner of your heart.  It will be your source of strength in times of despair.  For now and always, I want you to know how much you delight my soul.

Happy Birthday my sweet Logan. I love you deeply.