The pact of March 16

We've reached the one year mark...It's March 16th. The boys and I decided that every year on this day, we would do something fun, memorable and perhaps even adventurous as they get older. They have always wanted to sky dive (like Bruce and I did) and I said, “we can save those for when you are older and do it on that day. Let's make this an event, a day that we look forward to with excitement”. I'm glad they agreed. It's too exhausting being somber all day...I know, I've experienced it many times. I also know that Bruce is saying Amen to this new pact I made with the boys.

So this first year, we decided to do something more mellow . Logan has not been to Knott's Berry Farm and is finally tall enough to ride the crazy roller coasters thus, this was the choice for the 16th of March this year.

It was a dreary day, to me it was reflective of what I was feeling inside. Driving the freeway at just about 10:25am, I look up and see an airplane in the sky. At exactly 10:30am I see a sign to Long Beach...I wondered if I ever noticed the Long Beach sign on the 5 freeway. I know I see it on the 405 but the 5 ?? It felt like a moment of torture reading that sign at the exact time of Bruce's departure.
Anyway, a few more minutes we arrive at our destination....thank goodness!

All I can say is, I can’t believe I rode all the rides that I did. I screamed to the top of my lungs, straining my vocal cords and laughed in between the rides. I've decided I would rather sky dive again than be inverted, twisted and be scared out of my mind on the roller coasters. When did the rides get this extreme? The reward however was earning “You’re the coolest mom” award from the boys.

All day, I was blessed with dozens upon dozens of messages, texts and phone calls remembering us this day. It touched me as I didn’t know they remembered the exact day. I’m comforted by each and every one. I now cry tears of joy.

We miss you so much Bruce.  I can't beleive it's been a year...sometimes it feels like yesterday and at times it feels like a lifetime. 

Flying solo

Five months before my annual Girls Weekend, my dear friend Annie starts planning the trip.  This long anticipated gilrs weekend has been one of my favorite times of the year since we started 4 years ago.  It is a time to indulge and be pampered.  The most important luxury that we partake in is just being in the company of truly wonderful women.  We laugh our hearts out, dive into deep conversations and create memorable events that will last a lifetime.

Knowing that the event will take place in March, just a couple of weeks from THE day caused some anxiety on my part.  I thought well..., I can always purchase my plane ticket and cancel when I want, but at least I had something to look forward to. 

Alas, the weekend has arrived and I was able to muster the courage I needed to overcome the fear...the fear of flying for the first time without my sons since the tragedy.  Was it too soon to fly without them ?  Days before I got on the plane, I must have said a hundred prayers and even rallied my friends to add me to their prayer list as well.  Although I wasn't worried about my flight so much as I was worried about my sons worrying about me.  I'm comforted knowing they are in good hands with my parents but I wondered if they were fearful inside as I was.  Thank goodness for cell phones and texting.  We stayed connected throughout the weekend, and I know this was a calming factor for both of us.

My decision to go was by no means a careless one.  I decided to go because I didn't want to be crippled by fear.  To show my sons that we have to continue to live, to be brave and be in front of the shadow not behind it.  One of the greatest lessons I have learned and embraced from Bruce is to continue to challenge myself--not to take the path of least resistance but to take the higher road instead even when the obstacles seem insurmountable.  He has changed me in this way, and it is a part of me that is truly him that will stay with me forever. I know Bruce is nodding with approval and proud that I flew by myself and conquered that fear. After all, I arrived at the destination he was going to (Deer Valley) last March 16th and arrived home safely. This is one of my most significant milestone achieved this year.

It was home sweet home arriving to my two loving boys. Although flying solo was fine, flying as a threesome is even better (just not on Girls weekend).