Detour

Rewind, retract, backslide, relapse –this was the theme for my week.  I along with the other bereaved families from the plane crash received the NTSB report. 

Since March last year, I intentionally shielded myself from the news on TV, stopped my newspaper subscription and no longer listen to KNX news radio.  It was a way of protecting myself knowing the limitations I can place on my emotions and the triggers that will just set me off to a sad, very dark place.  So here we are a little over a year I thought, perhaps I can handle reading this report.  Never would I realize the frailty of my emotions.  Reading the report opened the floodgates and dug an even bigger hole in my heart (if that is possible).  This time I realized not only am I suffering the immense loss, I also now have some information that I can’t swallow.  I know it’s not the final report, but it might as well be..because final is exactly what I am feeling.

I had to re-read my own previous blog entries to instill hope in me again.  I had to remind and prove to myself that there were many times in the year when I felt hopeful and that I am capable of living above my circumstances.  This week I’m struggling to be convinced of it.

A friend told me once that “the only way through is through..not under or behind but right through”.  This is a long tunnel through but I am forging on ahead.  I have accepted that the detour along the way is part of the journey.  My wish is to come out the other end having shed all the emptiness, sorrow and bitterness.  I want to greet the light at the end of the tunnel with grace for I still firmly believe I have a greater purpose to fulfill.

My boys, my precious boys they save me.  I stare at them to find Bruce in each of them.  What permeates their being is the joyful nature and disposition they share with their father.  I see the twinkle in both of their eyes that is exactly, without a doubt just like their father’s.  Now I’m simply reminded of my gratitude.

I can't wait for tomorrow.  Everyday forward is a day away from the past. 

Sunrise is coming…it is always a sight to behold.