Each year on this this angel anniversary, I wake up with a mix
of emotions… anxious, sadness, doubtful and proud. It’s hard to validate which of these feelings
was most dominant.
I anxiously await for the day to arrive and be over so I can
drop the heaviness I’ve been carrying all week long.
The sadness I feel is for my sons who year by year are farther
away from their clear memories of their father.
For every milestone they achieve, their dad is not physically present to
witness them all.
Now that my boys are teenagers (16,18), I doubt myself in
whether I am properly memorializing their beloved father on this day without
being overly sentimental or being dismissive by not doing enough to honor such
an amazing human being.
The most positive feeling of this day is how proud I am of how
my sons have evolved. They are amazingly courageous, resilient and are young men of good character. Their dad would be beyond proud of them. If he were
physically present today, I would see his face beaming with pride and his heart
soaring out of his chest.
On our long drive to Pasadena today, I asked Logan how much
memories he remembers of his dad. He
says he doesn’t remember as much as he was only 8 years old… which again deeply saddened me. I then excitedly shared some fond memories of him and his dad, which will
always be vivid in mine. I could tell
from his listening posture that he appreciated the stories and it somehow filled
in the gap in his mind. More than the
stories, I mostly reiterated to him how very much loved and valued he was by
his dad.
Lucas who in the last 2 anniversaries was very private and
uncomfortable about sharing or memorializing his father. He tends to keep his thoughts to himself. Today,
when he was open and conversant about talking about our memories of Bruce, that it delighted and comforted me.
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