Creating a new Normal when Life throws you a Curve Ball

I am now almost 3 years bereaved.  At times it feels like it was just yesterday and sometimes it feels so long ago.  That stretch of time has been filled with a myriad of emotions, events and new experiences.  It forced the inevitable without a choice..to create a new “normal”  for my sons and I.  Life as we knew it no longer is, but we chose (daily) to pull our bootstraps and forge onward to continue to experience the richness that life has to offer.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Bruce would want that for us too.

At about halfway through this journey, I paused and realized that we have finally settled into our new routine.  We have adjusted to our situation and have grown tremendously in the last 3 years. 

My faith also grew stronger and it was the impetus for my courage and tenacity.

Reflecting on how we got here, there were important milestones that we crossed.

Acceptance

Accept the circumstance…period.
Accept that change is inevitable.  Yes, ours was a big one, but there are going to be thousands more changes that will occur in our lifetime.
Accept that the adjustment period is emotionally and physically exhausting.
Accept that any new habit or routine takes time to get comfortable at.  Be patient.

Re-prioritize

Remind yourself of your new priorities and create goals and activities to affirm those priorities. Re-prioritizing also means de-cluttering your life.  Surround yourself only with people you truly respect, love and care for.  Eliminate activities that does not support your values, goals and objectives in life. 

Always have a shift in perspective by thinking…”it could’ve been worst”

 Re-invent

You are not your circumstance so, bravely ask yourself who are you now?  How do you want to define yourself?  What new dreams do you have? This can be a liberating exercise for it gives you the freedom to explore new hobbies, new friendships and pave a new road for your Plan B dream.

Relax

Give yourself permission and grace to make mistakes.  You will miss the mark sometimes, but it is a lesson worth learning. 

Celebrate every occasion and even make new traditions.  Always seize opportunities for joy when they present itself…not with careless abandon but with the intention to create new fond memories aligned with a purposeful life. 

Yes, the sadness and permanence of our loss is part of our story yet, there is another chapter that has yet to be written.

Unit to Village

The boys are growing fast both physically and emotionally.  Lucas has now surpassed me in height and Logan is not far behind.

It was this summer of 2013 that I witnessed such rapid growth. 

This summer, their appetites grew, they craved for more sleep and they have become more independent in many ways. This independence although necessary, saddens me at times.  They are wanting to spend more time with friends than with me.  I struggle to find family activities that they are excited about. I feel as though they are forced to do them and they are doing so just to pacify me. It's a bitter truth I have to swallow...they are going through pre-adolescent behavior (Lucas is)...

Lucas will be 13 soon.  Whether he is consciously aware of it, he takes a valiant role of being the "Protector" of our family unit.  He takes charge of making sure all the doors are locked and alarm is on nightly. He watches out for me in his own way.

Logan will be 11 in a month.  His character more pronounced in a way that is endearing but yet unpredictable at times. He is still learning to trust his decisions and his instincts.  I predict that even as he grows older, he will always be a kid at heart.  That is the part of Bruce that is in Logan.

In this pre-teen years, I am challenged by keeping up with their activities, hormones, mood wings and their natural desire to express themselves.  I also realize more than ever that it truly takes a village to raise a family.

"The" day

I got through "The" day with equal amount of sadness and laughter. As for the boys, the jury is still out.

We did the 5K Comfort Zone Run.  The great thing about running is that you allow your mind to process whatever your emotions dictate.  It's always been therapeutic for me and now I see the boys benefiting from it too.  What a gift to have had the run for us to do that morning.

Following the run, we wanted to honor Bruce's adventurous spirit by going on an indoor skydive at Lake Perris.  The long car ride there allowed for some good conversation, mostly laughter.  I glance at them from time to time and am amazed at how they have coped so far.  Of course they made mistakes along the way (so did I) and sometimes avoidance of "The" subject still seems like a safer place to be.  They have become my silent warriors.  They have learned to fight the fear that hinders their progress.  They are the bravest boys I know.

Arriving at the Skydive place, I watched each of the boys start with a grin then a smile from ear to ear.  I can see that it was an exhilarating experience for them.  Now my smile has doubled.

We ended the day with dinner (Logan's choice) and each made a journal entry.  With Bruce in our minds and our hearts, it's all we wrote about.

It was a good day.  Bruce would be proud.

The boys are precious....life is precious !

Dichotomy of feelings

We are creeping in on our 2 year mark, milestone, life shift, the dreadful day of March 16.  I struggle with the sight of it on the calendar.  The anticipation of this day brings me anxiety.

The anxiety comes not knowing the proper way to memorialize Bruce in a manner that would encompass our love and adoration for him in it's entirety ? Do I keep it simple as to not remind us of the pain in our hearts or do I test our resiliency ?  Do we keep ourselves pre-occupied and let the day pass as quickly as possible ?  There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Bruce.  He is very present in my mind and heart and will always be.

The boys and I have endured much the last two years.  We have also established a new life for ourselves.  There is this dichotomy of feelings..guilt that life went on without Bruce and sadness that life did go on without him.  Looking back, I'm glad to have passed the "survival mode" months and graduated to the acceptance of the cards that were dealt to me and playing it with my best hand.  There were many moments last year when I felt that we were making great strides in our healing, partly because I have given myself more grace and the permission to progress imperfectly at times.  I embrace the good feeling this healing brings.

Never have I lived life with more intention than I ever have.  Knowing there is a purpose and a bigger plan greater than mine, while continuing to trust in God's promises (Jeremiah 29:11).  I have been an encourager to others in sharing my God given strength and courage.  I praise and give thanks daily for it is still the only way I take the focus away from myself and avoid the trap of self-pity.  It is one of the most important gift I impart with the boys---to have gratitude, to search for the good in every day.

In Bruce Krall fashion, I think I'm going impromptu style on March 16.  The only planned activity is the Comfort Zone 5K then after that, I will be open to Bruce's spirit to guide us that day.

Not so fast forward...

It's been 18 months and so much has happened. How could have we continued life without you?  Most days, I still feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Yes, we're surviving but it doesn't feel right or normal (we left behind "normal" 18 months ago).
The boys and I have made heavy foot tracks on our path uphill yet forward direction.  I suppose it's what we are supposed to do.  It's what the world expects of us to function and get back to the mainstream of life. Yet, inside of me I feel conflicted sort of a betrayal of my past.  Because moving forward also means I have advanced so far away from my beautiful life with you--I feel so far away from those memories...our amazing love story, our adventures, our life as a family of four.
I'm keeping your dreams for our boys alive.  It's a monumental task, but I'm all in!
Faith, hope and love are getting us through.

The Irony

It would have been our 14 year wedding anniversary today....
I miss YOU with every ounce of my being.
I woke up this morning not quite upright as I feel my insides collapsing.
Yes, I will continue to move forward (I promise) but..
I must admit it is much harder today.  I'm tempted to take the path of least resistance..but I won't not for your sake and more importantly for our sons.

I miss you telling me that marrying me was the most important decision you ever made in your life.
I miss you telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss you holding my hand until we fall asleep
I miss our date nights..
I miss you calling me your "angel"...and now you are mine.

Strictly Ballroom

Several months ago, I decided to take ballroom lessons.  It was a desire I had many years ago but life took over..or at least my priorities as a wife, mother, volunteer and consultant overrode the desire.

Ironically this time as a single mother, who's always starved for time, I decided to awaken this passion for dance that's been dormant for decades.  I remember walking in the door of the dance studio and immediately feeling excitement.  After my first dance lesson, I was giddy and completely hooked!  Right then, I decided to indulge myself in weekly lessons.  It was therapeutic and a medium of expression for my emotions.  The short hour during the week allows me to fuel my tank with joy.

Last Saturday was my debut performance.  It was a special night because it was the culmination of something born out of my grief.  I had a blast!  To hear my family and friends cheer me on gave me  confidence knowing I have just made another leap forward in courage.  It's a night I will never forget..not so much for the experience of dancing on stage but for the healing I felt embraced me that night.