We are creeping in on our 2 year mark, milestone, life shift, the dreadful day of March 16. I struggle with the sight of it on the calendar. The anticipation of this day brings me anxiety.
The anxiety comes not knowing the proper way to memorialize Bruce in a manner that would encompass our love and adoration for him in it's entirety ? Do I keep it simple as to not remind us of the pain in our hearts or do I test our resiliency ? Do we keep ourselves pre-occupied and let the day pass as quickly as possible ? There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Bruce. He is very present in my mind and heart and will always be.
The boys and I have endured much the last two years. We have also established a new life for ourselves. There is this dichotomy of feelings..guilt that life went on without Bruce and sadness that life did go on without him. Looking back, I'm glad to have passed the "survival mode" months and graduated to the acceptance of the cards that were dealt to me and playing it with my best hand. There were many moments last year when I felt that we were making great strides in our healing, partly because I have given myself more grace and the permission to progress imperfectly at times. I embrace the good feeling this healing brings.
Never have I lived life with more intention than I ever have. Knowing there is a purpose and a bigger plan greater than mine, while continuing to trust in God's promises (Jeremiah 29:11). I have been an encourager to others in sharing my God given strength and courage. I praise and give thanks daily for it is still the only way I take the focus away from myself and avoid the trap of self-pity. It is one of the most important gift I impart with the boys---to have gratitude, to search for the good in every day.
In Bruce Krall fashion, I think I'm going impromptu style on March 16. The only planned activity is the Comfort Zone 5K then after that, I will be open to Bruce's spirit to guide us that day.
Beautiful!
ReplyDelete1 whole year later and never would I thought I, too, would have a loss of my own. I've said it before and I will say it again and again. You inspire me! Your words, approach, and acceptance of imperfection in healing when you need it resonates with me profoundly. In my grief, I model my journey after yours. If I can have half of your strength during my struggles of grief and self pity, I can look forward to the next year - to be where you are. I can't compare our grief.... but you help me look to tomorrow with each passing day.
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