Dichotomy of feelings

We are creeping in on our 2 year mark, milestone, life shift, the dreadful day of March 16.  I struggle with the sight of it on the calendar.  The anticipation of this day brings me anxiety.

The anxiety comes not knowing the proper way to memorialize Bruce in a manner that would encompass our love and adoration for him in it's entirety ? Do I keep it simple as to not remind us of the pain in our hearts or do I test our resiliency ?  Do we keep ourselves pre-occupied and let the day pass as quickly as possible ?  There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Bruce.  He is very present in my mind and heart and will always be.

The boys and I have endured much the last two years.  We have also established a new life for ourselves.  There is this dichotomy of feelings..guilt that life went on without Bruce and sadness that life did go on without him.  Looking back, I'm glad to have passed the "survival mode" months and graduated to the acceptance of the cards that were dealt to me and playing it with my best hand.  There were many moments last year when I felt that we were making great strides in our healing, partly because I have given myself more grace and the permission to progress imperfectly at times.  I embrace the good feeling this healing brings.

Never have I lived life with more intention than I ever have.  Knowing there is a purpose and a bigger plan greater than mine, while continuing to trust in God's promises (Jeremiah 29:11).  I have been an encourager to others in sharing my God given strength and courage.  I praise and give thanks daily for it is still the only way I take the focus away from myself and avoid the trap of self-pity.  It is one of the most important gift I impart with the boys---to have gratitude, to search for the good in every day.

In Bruce Krall fashion, I think I'm going impromptu style on March 16.  The only planned activity is the Comfort Zone 5K then after that, I will be open to Bruce's spirit to guide us that day.

Not so fast forward...

It's been 18 months and so much has happened. How could have we continued life without you?  Most days, I still feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Yes, we're surviving but it doesn't feel right or normal (we left behind "normal" 18 months ago).
The boys and I have made heavy foot tracks on our path uphill yet forward direction.  I suppose it's what we are supposed to do.  It's what the world expects of us to function and get back to the mainstream of life. Yet, inside of me I feel conflicted sort of a betrayal of my past.  Because moving forward also means I have advanced so far away from my beautiful life with you--I feel so far away from those memories...our amazing love story, our adventures, our life as a family of four.
I'm keeping your dreams for our boys alive.  It's a monumental task, but I'm all in!
Faith, hope and love are getting us through.

The Irony

It would have been our 14 year wedding anniversary today....
I miss YOU with every ounce of my being.
I woke up this morning not quite upright as I feel my insides collapsing.
Yes, I will continue to move forward (I promise) but..
I must admit it is much harder today.  I'm tempted to take the path of least resistance..but I won't not for your sake and more importantly for our sons.

I miss you telling me that marrying me was the most important decision you ever made in your life.
I miss you telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss you holding my hand until we fall asleep
I miss our date nights..
I miss you calling me your "angel"...and now you are mine.

Strictly Ballroom

Several months ago, I decided to take ballroom lessons.  It was a desire I had many years ago but life took over..or at least my priorities as a wife, mother, volunteer and consultant overrode the desire.

Ironically this time as a single mother, who's always starved for time, I decided to awaken this passion for dance that's been dormant for decades.  I remember walking in the door of the dance studio and immediately feeling excitement.  After my first dance lesson, I was giddy and completely hooked!  Right then, I decided to indulge myself in weekly lessons.  It was therapeutic and a medium of expression for my emotions.  The short hour during the week allows me to fuel my tank with joy.

Last Saturday was my debut performance.  It was a special night because it was the culmination of something born out of my grief.  I had a blast!  To hear my family and friends cheer me on gave me  confidence knowing I have just made another leap forward in courage.  It's a night I will never forget..not so much for the experience of dancing on stage but for the healing I felt embraced me that night.

Ruminating

It's the morning after last day of school and I am reading the boys' school report card. I am reading each line with such pride on their excellent scores both on academics and character. What blesses me is not so much that they achieved this ratings but that they achieved this despite the tragedy that occurred in our lives. They worked hard, behaved well while having a hole in their hearts. They smiled and laughed a lot (Logan the official class clown), took chances (Lucas running for Student Council twice), played hard (both are the admired by their peers for their athleticism) and are leaders without a doubt. I have watched them walk the school grounds with such confidence in their step, their chins are up and friends always surrounding them. Whether they are aware of it or not, they have learned to live above their circumstance and are not defined by the circumstance.

Of course, we are just a year out and they have many more school years ahead of them..but the lesson they have learned is nothing short of extraordinary.  I am encouraged and inspired by them everyday. They have done their dad proud ! What an incredible honor to be their mother.  

My Daily Devotion

I start my day reading my devotions.  It is my way of communing with God and in doing so, I am amazed at how He responds.

(An excerpt from "Streams in the Desert")

We tend to find many ways of walking around emergencies instead of walking straight through them.  So often we are faced with something that frightens or overwhlems us and seek to evade the problem with the excuse :"I'm not quite ready for that now." It may require some sacrifice, or demand our obedience in some area.  Perhaps there is some Jericho we are facing, or we are lacking the courage to help someone else and to pray through his concern with him.  Perhaps we have a prayer that awaits completion, or a physical problem that is partially healed and we continue to walk around it.  Pay as little attention to discouragement as possible.  Plow ahead like a steamship, which moves forward whether facing rough or smooth seas, and in rain or shine.  Remember the goal is simply to carry the cargo and make it to port.

Detour

Rewind, retract, backslide, relapse –this was the theme for my week.  I along with the other bereaved families from the plane crash received the NTSB report. 

Since March last year, I intentionally shielded myself from the news on TV, stopped my newspaper subscription and no longer listen to KNX news radio.  It was a way of protecting myself knowing the limitations I can place on my emotions and the triggers that will just set me off to a sad, very dark place.  So here we are a little over a year I thought, perhaps I can handle reading this report.  Never would I realize the frailty of my emotions.  Reading the report opened the floodgates and dug an even bigger hole in my heart (if that is possible).  This time I realized not only am I suffering the immense loss, I also now have some information that I can’t swallow.  I know it’s not the final report, but it might as well be..because final is exactly what I am feeling.

I had to re-read my own previous blog entries to instill hope in me again.  I had to remind and prove to myself that there were many times in the year when I felt hopeful and that I am capable of living above my circumstances.  This week I’m struggling to be convinced of it.

A friend told me once that “the only way through is through..not under or behind but right through”.  This is a long tunnel through but I am forging on ahead.  I have accepted that the detour along the way is part of the journey.  My wish is to come out the other end having shed all the emptiness, sorrow and bitterness.  I want to greet the light at the end of the tunnel with grace for I still firmly believe I have a greater purpose to fulfill.

My boys, my precious boys they save me.  I stare at them to find Bruce in each of them.  What permeates their being is the joyful nature and disposition they share with their father.  I see the twinkle in both of their eyes that is exactly, without a doubt just like their father’s.  Now I’m simply reminded of my gratitude.

I can't wait for tomorrow.  Everyday forward is a day away from the past. 

Sunrise is coming…it is always a sight to behold.