The pact of March 16

We've reached the one year mark...It's March 16th. The boys and I decided that every year on this day, we would do something fun, memorable and perhaps even adventurous as they get older. They have always wanted to sky dive (like Bruce and I did) and I said, “we can save those for when you are older and do it on that day. Let's make this an event, a day that we look forward to with excitement”. I'm glad they agreed. It's too exhausting being somber all day...I know, I've experienced it many times. I also know that Bruce is saying Amen to this new pact I made with the boys.

So this first year, we decided to do something more mellow . Logan has not been to Knott's Berry Farm and is finally tall enough to ride the crazy roller coasters thus, this was the choice for the 16th of March this year.

It was a dreary day, to me it was reflective of what I was feeling inside. Driving the freeway at just about 10:25am, I look up and see an airplane in the sky. At exactly 10:30am I see a sign to Long Beach...I wondered if I ever noticed the Long Beach sign on the 5 freeway. I know I see it on the 405 but the 5 ?? It felt like a moment of torture reading that sign at the exact time of Bruce's departure.
Anyway, a few more minutes we arrive at our destination....thank goodness!

All I can say is, I can’t believe I rode all the rides that I did. I screamed to the top of my lungs, straining my vocal cords and laughed in between the rides. I've decided I would rather sky dive again than be inverted, twisted and be scared out of my mind on the roller coasters. When did the rides get this extreme? The reward however was earning “You’re the coolest mom” award from the boys.

All day, I was blessed with dozens upon dozens of messages, texts and phone calls remembering us this day. It touched me as I didn’t know they remembered the exact day. I’m comforted by each and every one. I now cry tears of joy.

We miss you so much Bruce.  I can't beleive it's been a year...sometimes it feels like yesterday and at times it feels like a lifetime. 

Flying solo

Five months before my annual Girls Weekend, my dear friend Annie starts planning the trip.  This long anticipated gilrs weekend has been one of my favorite times of the year since we started 4 years ago.  It is a time to indulge and be pampered.  The most important luxury that we partake in is just being in the company of truly wonderful women.  We laugh our hearts out, dive into deep conversations and create memorable events that will last a lifetime.

Knowing that the event will take place in March, just a couple of weeks from THE day caused some anxiety on my part.  I thought well..., I can always purchase my plane ticket and cancel when I want, but at least I had something to look forward to. 

Alas, the weekend has arrived and I was able to muster the courage I needed to overcome the fear...the fear of flying for the first time without my sons since the tragedy.  Was it too soon to fly without them ?  Days before I got on the plane, I must have said a hundred prayers and even rallied my friends to add me to their prayer list as well.  Although I wasn't worried about my flight so much as I was worried about my sons worrying about me.  I'm comforted knowing they are in good hands with my parents but I wondered if they were fearful inside as I was.  Thank goodness for cell phones and texting.  We stayed connected throughout the weekend, and I know this was a calming factor for both of us.

My decision to go was by no means a careless one.  I decided to go because I didn't want to be crippled by fear.  To show my sons that we have to continue to live, to be brave and be in front of the shadow not behind it.  One of the greatest lessons I have learned and embraced from Bruce is to continue to challenge myself--not to take the path of least resistance but to take the higher road instead even when the obstacles seem insurmountable.  He has changed me in this way, and it is a part of me that is truly him that will stay with me forever. I know Bruce is nodding with approval and proud that I flew by myself and conquered that fear. After all, I arrived at the destination he was going to (Deer Valley) last March 16th and arrived home safely. This is one of my most significant milestone achieved this year.

It was home sweet home arriving to my two loving boys. Although flying solo was fine, flying as a threesome is even better (just not on Girls weekend).

Lessons for the two

The gift of having two sons equals having two dates for Valentine's Day.  They are both adorable, sweet, generous with their compliments and holds my hands without a moment's notice.  How's that for a perfect dinner date?  The extra bonus is that I can still lather them with kisses without permission, anytime and anyplace.  Sadly, I'm predicting this will expire soon with my 11 year old..so I'm stealing kisses when I can.

Valentine's dinner was memorable this year.  Reservations were made by our friends who also secretly planned and paid for the dinner.  The boys had roses waiting for me at the restaurant, dinner timed perfectly during the sunset hour and the food and service was tops!

Our dinner time conversation was teaching the boys lessons in being a true gentleman. Open doors, pull out the ladies' seat, ladies first (always), table manners, etc.  Basically, I reminded them how their dad behaved during our dinner outs.  It rolled off my tongue very easily and so it did with them as well.  Then we talked at length about the core of a true gentleman.. the character, virtue and moral convictions--what they mean in words and in deeds.  Perhaps it was a bit over their heads but I was encouraged with their intent listening.  I revel on teaching moments like this where I vividly capture their attention and engage in an open dialogue with them which includes laughter, queries and reminiscing.  
With full bellies, we walked off our dinner strolling hand in hand.  I'm smiling inside with contentment in my heart.  I could not have asked for better company tonight than my two precious litlle gentlemen.

Sunrise

I always look forward to a new calendar year. It reminds me of the sunrise..it always spells out hope, a new beginning and growth—personal, emotional, spiritual and physical.  It’s an opportunity to re-write and re-define myself at least for the coming year.  Well, truthfully…I really didn’t have to turn the calendar for this prompting.

This New Year’s Resolution is like no other.  It’s with fierce determination that I remain focused on what’s important.  What I've learned is that I’m not in total control of what lies ahead but I’m making my wish list and just hope that with every detour and descent in this journey, the rise will be higher than the last.  I hope to continue to face life boldly day by day and welcome the surprises along the way.

Logan

For the first 7 months of my pregnancy with you, I named you Ryan.  Then, I changed my mind and named you Logan.  What I really wanted is a name synonymous to Joy, Passion, and Gusto!  Nothing was fitting so Logan will have to do.  As it is, you have been called and described by many other names : A bull in a china shop; funny, silly, gruff, impish, spunky.

I look at your face and I instantly feel joy, especially when you smile.  Your smile lights up the room and it reminds me so much of your dad.  Moreover, you inherited his athleticism, his adventurous daredevil spirit and share a big tender heart.  Your dad often confessed that you are a carbon copy of him as a child.  Rough and tough you may be, but you always soften up especially with me.  This year you have displayed such protectiveness over me.  You get upset when I get upset and always worry about my feelings.  I love that about you, it is the dimension of your personality that grew out of your sorrow. 

I love that you have this preserved innocence and can self soothe by playing independently for hours.  Sometimes I wonder if your independent playing is grief related—is it your way of coping ?  If so, I find it beautiful in every way.  When you make sound effects while playing, I want you to know that those are music to my ears. You are happiest when you are with friends and constantly want to be around people.  You’re social by nature, likeable and easy to please.

Christmas day at the beach, without prompting, you drew a picture in the sand.  I asked you what you were drawing and you replied, “I’m drawing a picture of dad, he’s an angel”.  I thought that was sweet and took a picture.  I happened to share the picture with Sandee, A Sand Play Therapist, and she assured me that this picture is a really good, positive sign of how you are doing.  Sand play organically brings out honest (inner) emotions and subliminal thoughts to the surface.  The picture of dad as an angel depicts your faith…. believing in the unseen.  Choosing to draw an angel, the deliverer of love and good, is comforting.  It is, I hope, a reflection of your positive grief/coping. 

I pray that you continue to thrive, to be yourself, to know joy, to be positive and most of all, to hold onto your childlike faith.  As you grow older, I know you will have many painful questions about your dad.  I apologize now for I won’t have an answer that will ease your pain or even help you understand our loss.  But I will help you hold dear all the good memories you had with your dad, help you treasure the legacy he left behind for you and remind you that he created a deep well of love for you in the large corner of your heart.  It will be your source of strength in times of despair.  For now and always, I want you to know how much you delight my soul.

Happy Birthday my sweet Logan. I love you deeply.

'Tis the Season

There is always this hurry to start the Christmas season with all the lights, music and commercialism of gifts (way) before December.  It never used to bother me until now.  The pressure to succumb too soon.

Well, December is now upon us.

What I've decided to do is to keep some of our Christmas traditions and also create new ones.  As much as I want to minimize this effort, the boys deserve more this year...more joy, more smiles, more of us--the three of us creating indelible memories together.  "Tis truly is the Season.

It's the 5th and we're off to a good start.  Christmas lights are up (thank you Teasleys), Christmas tree lit and trimmed (thank you Millers), Christmas photos taken (thank you Trish) and a Christmas prelude dinner (thank you Parkers) worth bragging about. 

The gifts we have been given are the richness of friendships.  It lasts not only for this season but for a lifetime.

November 19

Happy Birthday Bruce ! I woke up that morning of your birthday my mind filled with pictures of your smile.  I remember all the birthday dinners, weekend celebrations and milestone parties. If you were here, I know just exactly how we would celebrate your day...I can always predict your reaction because it has been consistent throughout the years...that of contentment and gratitude.  It was one of your favorties days of the year as it is mine.

The boys and I went to our favortie spot on the beach.  It was the perfect morning, the weather was crisp yet sunny and it was peaceful.  There was no one around except for a couple of people far away.  As usual, the boys raced to the shore and played for awhile.  We then gathered together to sing Happy Birthday and began our memorial for you.  How very proud I am of our boys. My heart swells with pride as I listen to them recite their fondest memories of you. You have done well Bruce....so well.  I see you in each of them so vividly.  Your spirit personified in each of them.  At this sighting, I am reminded of what incredible blessings the boys are to me...now more than ever.

I know you continue to guide them in spirit as they walk their journey day by day. We miss you deeply.  I have made it my mission to remind the boys the gift you have imparted to us:  To live life, embrace it with passion and purpose...it's my gift to you.