Comfort Zone

The long awaited weekend of Comfort Zone has finally arrived. The great news is that Lucas has been excited and anxious to go. He heard testimonials from previous campers through our children’s grief support group that the food was really good. The truth is, he is yearning for some connection with other kids who are in the same place as he is. Logan of course follows his brother’s lead and am grateful for that especially in this case.

The drop-off on Friday went better than expected. I went to the Parent Orientation to learn about what the campers will be doing all weekend. The counselors promised us that the kids will be changed after this weekend. That something magical will happen over the course of 48 hours that will affect them in a positive way…to learn how to cope, heal and be comfortable with their emotions. They will learn to connect emotionally if not right away in a short period of time. They also said that on Sunday, they will either be very quiet and possibly quite emotional or will talk endlessly about what occurred.

Prompt as always, I was one of the first parents to arrive on Sunday. I had an opportunity to speak with each of the boys’ Healing Circle Counselors and was amazed that they got to the essence of the boys in a relatively short period of time. They described each of them exactly as they are : funny (Logan), mature (Lucas), smart, amazing, brave, fun to be around, cool and having the cutest puppy dog eyes (credit goes to Bruce on this one). Imagine how I’m starting to feel….proud and elated.

The ending ceremonies began with all the children coming to stage with their groups and their Big Buddies performing and memorializing their loved one who died. From the moment the first child went to stage, my walls came crushing down. It was so beautiful (yet painful) to witness each child express their love and how much they miss their parent or sibling that died. There were a range of emotions expressed from bitterness, anger, loneliness and desperation. Children wrote poems, songs and others dedicated a dance in honor of their loved ones. I could barely get myself together. (Logan kept coming over to my seat and begged me to stop crying).
People often ask, “how are the boys doing?” I honestly don’t know the response to that for I can’t compare them to anyone as we feel very isolated in our circumstance. What I say inside of me is that… all I have is my unconditional love for them and I hope that that is enough. That in my demonstration of my love, I offer them all I can in marshalling resources to help them cope with their grief. I gather friends to surround them with love and understanding . I instill a grateful heart no matter what….for life is a parallel of good and bad even if we have to magnify our lenses to find the good. To have faith even if it doesn’t make sense.

At this Comfort Zone memorial, I finally found assurance that the strength I model for my boys has a positive impact in the course of their journey. I witnessed just the opposite that day, and saw a very troubled child. Although I was very sad meeting this child, it also gave me the motivation to keep pressing on for the sake of my precious boys.  The boys really enjoyed the camp.  They felt the highs and the lows that weekend and yet they can't wait to go back again.  I bet Logan will be up on stage next year with a dance routine.

The attendance at Comfort Zone would not have been possible without the introduction and encouragement of my cousin Elizabeth and a friend Andrew. Andrew who went above and beyond and even became a volunteer for the organization so he could be present at the camp and watch out for my boys ! I am so touched and amazed by his self-less service in honor of Bruce. It is a gift that keeps on giving.

13

If I were to live my life over .....and if I knew then what I know now, I would marry you over and over again.  If I were to have you back even for a short time knowing I'd have to endure this pain again, yes I would still marry you again.

Happy Anniversary my love...I promise (to try) to make it happy today.

Lessons from Camp Widow

A couple of months ago, Bruce’s friend Andrew sent me a brochure about an upcoming Camp Widow event suggesting it might be helpful for me.  Frankly, scanning the brochure instantly made me sad.  I even said to myself out loud “I don’t belong to that club nor am I one of them”.  Desperate to get a hold of any resources that would help in this journey, I went to the website and read about it.  I still wasn’t convinced and am actually ashamed I would possibly throw myself in this pool of darkness for a whole weekend.  What a waste of time.  I slightly mentioned it to my mother and she was encouraging me to go.  After a dozen more visits to the website, I finally decided to register and just go through with it.  So here I am this weekend—in beautiful San Diego arriving at my hotel still dragging my feet.  I figured, I could always bail and have a vacation all by myself.  After all, I am armed with plenty of waterproof mascara and tissues.  The big question at the end of this weekend is…will my spirit soar or be sore?

Friday night – I checked-in to my hotel and opened the door and suddenly I broke down in tears.  I have not checked into a hotel all alone—without my spouse and today without my sons.  It just felt really lonely.  I gave myself 10 minutes of release and then stared at my hotel window (thank goodness for the waterfront view and the 800 count sheets) and got myself together. 

Walking in the Camp Widow registration area, I was afraid I would be the only one wearing bright color clothing with a convincingly fake smile on my face.  I was afraid I was going to be one of the few younger widows and would have a hard time connecting with anyone.  During that brief hour, I learned that all those things I was thinking proved to be a myth.

There are 275 widows (a few widowers) at this Camp.  The large majority of the widows at this camp are young!  Shocking and sad.  Yes, we all had a fake smile on our face but what I also learned is that widows form a strong familiar bond immediately…actually minutes after our introduction.

The best part of the first day is that I ran into 2 women/widows from my Grief Support group.  The awkwardness of being alone in this crowd no longer is.  Finally, I’m feeling at ease.

Things I learned and observed this weekend:

• Your opening line is never “How are you?” It is “How did your spouse die?” (how’s that for no pleasantries).
• I was not alone in feeling that I always love to talk about my husband..I can never get tired of it.  There are no white elephants on the table this weekend!
• There are death jokes that only we widows can get away saying and it is not morbid to laugh about it.
• We all talk to our husbands frequently and if people knew, they would think we are crazy---because we think we're crazy too !
• We can no longer tell whether it’s PMS, because we feel like we have PMS every day !  I suppose menopause will be a breeze.
• When you are newly bereaved, we carry and project a deep voice, then as time goes by we hope to get a bit of the soprano back in our voice.
• Some say that legacy is what you leave behind, but the truth is your legacy is formed by the choices you make today.
• People die but love doesn’t die.  Widows also tend to “saint” their loved ones after they die.
• Just because you laugh, it doesn’t mean grief is over.  Permission to have fun is only self-imposed.
• All losses are the same.  It doesn’t matter how long one has been married or the cause of the death…it’s a horrendous, in-explainable pain we suffer.  We are forever changed, we are more compassionate, stronger than we’ve ever been.
• For children especially….private grief does not mean absent grief.  Just as everyone has a unique fingerprint, everyone’s grief is different.
• For me at this early stage…I just can’t accept myself as “single”.  I am married and that’s the box I automatically check.  (We all agreed that all forms should have a widow option).

I’m now getting ready for our banquet dinner.  Initially, I was going to use this time to journal, read and stroll along the marina and even catch up on some sleep.  Now, I can’t wait to have some fun with my new peeps.  Tomorrow is a 5K run to conclude the weekend. 

I sure can’t wait to hug and kiss my boys!

Bottom line, I’m so glad I took the courage to attend this weekend.  Before Friday, I came in with a bold scarlet letter W and left  Sunday with a badge of honor instead.  Honored to be amongst other brave women who survive and keep going no matter how tough the terrain.  Honored to have witnessed hope in others who are just a few steps forward.  Although there were lots of tears shed, my spirit soared with the wisdom and the special friendships I gained this weekend.

Tomorrow is my 13^th wedding anniversary and I will face the day aware of my new favorite quote…“I want to die living not live like I’m dying”.

The Balancing Act

I’ve learned in these last four months that balance is a daily goal.  I suppose a well- lived life is being intentional about living a life of balance, but incredibly challenging balancing as a solo act

The recurring theme at the end of my day, is that I am time starved.  There just isn’t enough hours in the day to complete the "to do" list to ensure I’ve manage the balance of kids, work, home and play.  Being a recovering perfectionist and often described as having a type A personality, balance seems like the perfect mode to be in.

Just how does one do it?  I’m still figuring it out…day by day.  What’s become magnified in the process, is realizing what’s important, the priorities in life not worth compromising.  It has also allowed me to focus on every single blessing that has come my way..the little ones and the big ones.  In this contemplation, it propels me to keep pressing on with faith and determination. 

I often describe my grief as a dance.  Some days I am 2 steps forward toward healing and within the next day or even moment, I find myself taking 3 steps back.  Knowing which end the pendulum will swing is still a mystery.  The one sure way to keep the pendulum on the upswing is remembering and living Bruce’s favorite mantra “Happiness is a Choice”.  Yes, it most certainly is…

Reflection of the ocean

Early this year, my husband and I planned a family trip to the Philippines for Lucas and Logan to learn about part of their heritage and culture.  It was a trip we had been anticipating but wanted to be sure the boys were old enough to remember and appreciate.  The day finally arrived...the family vacation minus one.

Day 3 - Unbeknown to my sons this vacation is equivalent to taking an advance course in Adaptability, Patience, Broadening your Perspective and Living outside the Bubble.  Although we stayed at very nice homes and resorts, one does not escape the reality of life in a third world country.  In some way, it may have planted a seed for a greater appreciation for what we have.  A truly worthy lesson specifically in our circumstance of loss.

Day 4 - A trip to Palawan Island.  Thirteen years ago, Bruce and I were so excited to visit this island to explore and go scuba diving.  Due to a translation error, we missed our flight!  We then promised each other that we would one day come back to this island.  Needless to say, the trip to Palawan was bittersweet.  While on the ferry ride, I was staring down at the beautiful translucent ocean visible with large corrals and colorful fish and then out of nowhere... a sudden wave of emotions splashed against me. Drowning in my sorrow, I was grief stricken reminiscing about all of our dive trips together.  I remembered how hard he laughed when I failed my first dive test and how thrilled he was when we made our first dive together.  Then began a series of hand signals he would make underwater to signal "I love you" for each dive at each country.  It was one of the activities we did that I only wanted to do exclusively with him.  On that ferry ride, I mourned the end of this adventure.

When grief strikes, pain and emptiness enfolds you.  I will survive this and eventually recover (as I have been told).  I desperately cling to this knowledge even though I don't feel it at times.  After all, faith is based on not what you see or feel, it's a belief.

Arriving at the island, stepping foot on the warm white sand beach, watching my sons giddy with excitement, I then decided to make the best of this vacation.  Seeing my sons happy ignites a smile within me and makes everything worthwhile.

Past, Present, Future

Filing paperwork can be an unending and daunting task.  However, it can be pleasing when you come across something that you never expect would be more valuable than just a piece of paper.

While organizing my office, I came across Bruce's handwritten notes from one of the church services we attended last February 27th.  There was no order on how it was written, just sentences he jotted down that appeared to have inspired him while listening to the speaker. (copied exactly from his writing)

The greatest of all illusions is the illusion of control.

God is most powerfully present even when He seems to be absent.

Your response to your shattered dreams matter!!

Do what you would do if you were absolutely confident God is with you.

Don't abandon your values in the pursuit of your dreams.

Put your faith in God's identity not activity.

God is with you always, will you choose to be with Him.

Who knew that his notes written from the past would present itself to be just the antidote I needed today and provide hope for the future? 

Cosmic rocket saved the day

What I learned last night was that my walk-in closet was not sound proof; the bathroom is worse : and try as I must I just can't cry silently...no not the guttural kind. Grief just overcame me.

So much for wanting to sleep most of the day.. I woke up to my usual 6am hour but this time with a dismal feeling and having a lump in my throat that just won't subside.

Our first Father's Day without Bruce.
I started the day with a morning run with Logan and our dog Harley. Then I made Logan a big breakfast, where I actually sat down and enjoyed the meal with him (I'm usually in a hurried state at this hour)--that was a treat in and of itself. After picking up Lucas from his sleepover, we went on our favorite hike to the top of a mountain in Laguna Beach and began our Father's Day ceremonial/tribute to Bruce. Lucas was uncomfortable all morning with a "let's just get this over and done with" posture. Logan noticing his brother's aloofness, reminded him by saying "Lucas why are you like that, this is for our dad, c'mon". What isn't as obvious to Logan is that a part of me feels the same as Lucas does. A flood of tears just flowed out of me, so I shifted gears and started with a prayer of thanksgiving--enumerating all that he has given us and remembering the kind of father that he is. Balloons in hand, note pad and pens, we each began to write a note to Bruce.
Lucas' note : The three things I love about you is that you are funny, supportive and encouraging. Happy Father's Day Dad. Love, Lucas
Logan's note :What I love most is when we were dancing naked.  And going to the Jacuzzi naked.  But what I love most is you. I love you, Logan
We then tied the note to the balloons and released them to the sky. Looking down, we met each other's eyes with tears. Shifting outside ourselves, we thought about all the other wonderful fathers we know. My father, who helped shape me for the person that I am with his confidence in me and for instilling a spiritual sense. All their uncles: Kevin, Steve, Erwin, Eric, Gene who offer a deep love and commitment to us. Then I thought about my friends who lost their fathers and reached out to them as I now I can honestly say.. "I truly understand the loss".

Thank goodness I brought our new cosmic rocket (vinegar and baking soda) to launch on top of this mountain. Who knew that the idea of bringing this rocket would dry those tears and change them to laughter (a few unsuccessful launches sprayed vinegar all over our shirts and hair). Hiking down, I asked the boys where we should have lunch. They suggested Philly's Best because dad loves that place (whenever I'm out of town, he would take the boys to have his Philly cheese steak sandwiches, which reminds him of his hometown, Pennsylvania).
When we arrived home, Logan and I played a long game of badminton while Lucas pelted me with his marshmallow gun...suddenly this lump in my throat vanished.
We then attended the late service at church, then ended the day with a Jacuzzi soak (not quite in Bruce's fashion as I opted to wear a swimsuit)..this was Bruce's favorite way to cap the weekend.

Having anticipated a sorrowful day, it was actually not so bad. There were a myriad of emotions throughout the day, but the most important thing is that we got through it together. Our bond is forever strengthened because of this.
Throughout the day, I would receive emails, texts, Facebook messages and voicemails from friends who are keeping us in their thoughts today. I am so, so touched by every single one and it is without question, how I was able to gain stamina and get through the day with grace.