Lessons from Camp Widow

A couple of months ago, Bruce’s friend Andrew sent me a brochure about an upcoming Camp Widow event suggesting it might be helpful for me.  Frankly, scanning the brochure instantly made me sad.  I even said to myself out loud “I don’t belong to that club nor am I one of them”.  Desperate to get a hold of any resources that would help in this journey, I went to the website and read about it.  I still wasn’t convinced and am actually ashamed I would possibly throw myself in this pool of darkness for a whole weekend.  What a waste of time.  I slightly mentioned it to my mother and she was encouraging me to go.  After a dozen more visits to the website, I finally decided to register and just go through with it.  So here I am this weekend—in beautiful San Diego arriving at my hotel still dragging my feet.  I figured, I could always bail and have a vacation all by myself.  After all, I am armed with plenty of waterproof mascara and tissues.  The big question at the end of this weekend is…will my spirit soar or be sore?

Friday night – I checked-in to my hotel and opened the door and suddenly I broke down in tears.  I have not checked into a hotel all alone—without my spouse and today without my sons.  It just felt really lonely.  I gave myself 10 minutes of release and then stared at my hotel window (thank goodness for the waterfront view and the 800 count sheets) and got myself together. 

Walking in the Camp Widow registration area, I was afraid I would be the only one wearing bright color clothing with a convincingly fake smile on my face.  I was afraid I was going to be one of the few younger widows and would have a hard time connecting with anyone.  During that brief hour, I learned that all those things I was thinking proved to be a myth.

There are 275 widows (a few widowers) at this Camp.  The large majority of the widows at this camp are young!  Shocking and sad.  Yes, we all had a fake smile on our face but what I also learned is that widows form a strong familiar bond immediately…actually minutes after our introduction.

The best part of the first day is that I ran into 2 women/widows from my Grief Support group.  The awkwardness of being alone in this crowd no longer is.  Finally, I’m feeling at ease.

Things I learned and observed this weekend:

• Your opening line is never “How are you?” It is “How did your spouse die?” (how’s that for no pleasantries).
• I was not alone in feeling that I always love to talk about my husband..I can never get tired of it.  There are no white elephants on the table this weekend!
• There are death jokes that only we widows can get away saying and it is not morbid to laugh about it.
• We all talk to our husbands frequently and if people knew, they would think we are crazy---because we think we're crazy too !
• We can no longer tell whether it’s PMS, because we feel like we have PMS every day !  I suppose menopause will be a breeze.
• When you are newly bereaved, we carry and project a deep voice, then as time goes by we hope to get a bit of the soprano back in our voice.
• Some say that legacy is what you leave behind, but the truth is your legacy is formed by the choices you make today.
• People die but love doesn’t die.  Widows also tend to “saint” their loved ones after they die.
• Just because you laugh, it doesn’t mean grief is over.  Permission to have fun is only self-imposed.
• All losses are the same.  It doesn’t matter how long one has been married or the cause of the death…it’s a horrendous, in-explainable pain we suffer.  We are forever changed, we are more compassionate, stronger than we’ve ever been.
• For children especially….private grief does not mean absent grief.  Just as everyone has a unique fingerprint, everyone’s grief is different.
• For me at this early stage…I just can’t accept myself as “single”.  I am married and that’s the box I automatically check.  (We all agreed that all forms should have a widow option).

I’m now getting ready for our banquet dinner.  Initially, I was going to use this time to journal, read and stroll along the marina and even catch up on some sleep.  Now, I can’t wait to have some fun with my new peeps.  Tomorrow is a 5K run to conclude the weekend. 

I sure can’t wait to hug and kiss my boys!

Bottom line, I’m so glad I took the courage to attend this weekend.  Before Friday, I came in with a bold scarlet letter W and left  Sunday with a badge of honor instead.  Honored to be amongst other brave women who survive and keep going no matter how tough the terrain.  Honored to have witnessed hope in others who are just a few steps forward.  Although there were lots of tears shed, my spirit soared with the wisdom and the special friendships I gained this weekend.

Tomorrow is my 13^th wedding anniversary and I will face the day aware of my new favorite quote…“I want to die living not live like I’m dying”.