Reflection of the ocean

Early this year, my husband and I planned a family trip to the Philippines for Lucas and Logan to learn about part of their heritage and culture.  It was a trip we had been anticipating but wanted to be sure the boys were old enough to remember and appreciate.  The day finally arrived...the family vacation minus one.

Day 3 - Unbeknown to my sons this vacation is equivalent to taking an advance course in Adaptability, Patience, Broadening your Perspective and Living outside the Bubble.  Although we stayed at very nice homes and resorts, one does not escape the reality of life in a third world country.  In some way, it may have planted a seed for a greater appreciation for what we have.  A truly worthy lesson specifically in our circumstance of loss.

Day 4 - A trip to Palawan Island.  Thirteen years ago, Bruce and I were so excited to visit this island to explore and go scuba diving.  Due to a translation error, we missed our flight!  We then promised each other that we would one day come back to this island.  Needless to say, the trip to Palawan was bittersweet.  While on the ferry ride, I was staring down at the beautiful translucent ocean visible with large corrals and colorful fish and then out of nowhere... a sudden wave of emotions splashed against me. Drowning in my sorrow, I was grief stricken reminiscing about all of our dive trips together.  I remembered how hard he laughed when I failed my first dive test and how thrilled he was when we made our first dive together.  Then began a series of hand signals he would make underwater to signal "I love you" for each dive at each country.  It was one of the activities we did that I only wanted to do exclusively with him.  On that ferry ride, I mourned the end of this adventure.

When grief strikes, pain and emptiness enfolds you.  I will survive this and eventually recover (as I have been told).  I desperately cling to this knowledge even though I don't feel it at times.  After all, faith is based on not what you see or feel, it's a belief.

Arriving at the island, stepping foot on the warm white sand beach, watching my sons giddy with excitement, I then decided to make the best of this vacation.  Seeing my sons happy ignites a smile within me and makes everything worthwhile.