Unit to Village

The boys are growing fast both physically and emotionally.  Lucas has now surpassed me in height and Logan is not far behind.

It was this summer of 2013 that I witnessed such rapid growth. 

This summer, their appetites grew, they craved for more sleep and they have become more independent in many ways. This independence although necessary, saddens me at times.  They are wanting to spend more time with friends than with me.  I struggle to find family activities that they are excited about. I feel as though they are forced to do them and they are doing so just to pacify me. It's a bitter truth I have to swallow...they are going through pre-adolescent behavior (Lucas is)...

Lucas will be 13 soon.  Whether he is consciously aware of it, he takes a valiant role of being the "Protector" of our family unit.  He takes charge of making sure all the doors are locked and alarm is on nightly. He watches out for me in his own way.

Logan will be 11 in a month.  His character more pronounced in a way that is endearing but yet unpredictable at times. He is still learning to trust his decisions and his instincts.  I predict that even as he grows older, he will always be a kid at heart.  That is the part of Bruce that is in Logan.

In this pre-teen years, I am challenged by keeping up with their activities, hormones, mood wings and their natural desire to express themselves.  I also realize more than ever that it truly takes a village to raise a family.

"The" day

I got through "The" day with equal amount of sadness and laughter. As for the boys, the jury is still out.

We did the 5K Comfort Zone Run.  The great thing about running is that you allow your mind to process whatever your emotions dictate.  It's always been therapeutic for me and now I see the boys benefiting from it too.  What a gift to have had the run for us to do that morning.

Following the run, we wanted to honor Bruce's adventurous spirit by going on an indoor skydive at Lake Perris.  The long car ride there allowed for some good conversation, mostly laughter.  I glance at them from time to time and am amazed at how they have coped so far.  Of course they made mistakes along the way (so did I) and sometimes avoidance of "The" subject still seems like a safer place to be.  They have become my silent warriors.  They have learned to fight the fear that hinders their progress.  They are the bravest boys I know.

Arriving at the Skydive place, I watched each of the boys start with a grin then a smile from ear to ear.  I can see that it was an exhilarating experience for them.  Now my smile has doubled.

We ended the day with dinner (Logan's choice) and each made a journal entry.  With Bruce in our minds and our hearts, it's all we wrote about.

It was a good day.  Bruce would be proud.

The boys are precious....life is precious !

Dichotomy of feelings

We are creeping in on our 2 year mark, milestone, life shift, the dreadful day of March 16.  I struggle with the sight of it on the calendar.  The anticipation of this day brings me anxiety.

The anxiety comes not knowing the proper way to memorialize Bruce in a manner that would encompass our love and adoration for him in it's entirety ? Do I keep it simple as to not remind us of the pain in our hearts or do I test our resiliency ?  Do we keep ourselves pre-occupied and let the day pass as quickly as possible ?  There still is not a day that goes by that I don't think or talk about Bruce.  He is very present in my mind and heart and will always be.

The boys and I have endured much the last two years.  We have also established a new life for ourselves.  There is this dichotomy of feelings..guilt that life went on without Bruce and sadness that life did go on without him.  Looking back, I'm glad to have passed the "survival mode" months and graduated to the acceptance of the cards that were dealt to me and playing it with my best hand.  There were many moments last year when I felt that we were making great strides in our healing, partly because I have given myself more grace and the permission to progress imperfectly at times.  I embrace the good feeling this healing brings.

Never have I lived life with more intention than I ever have.  Knowing there is a purpose and a bigger plan greater than mine, while continuing to trust in God's promises (Jeremiah 29:11).  I have been an encourager to others in sharing my God given strength and courage.  I praise and give thanks daily for it is still the only way I take the focus away from myself and avoid the trap of self-pity.  It is one of the most important gift I impart with the boys---to have gratitude, to search for the good in every day.

In Bruce Krall fashion, I think I'm going impromptu style on March 16.  The only planned activity is the Comfort Zone 5K then after that, I will be open to Bruce's spirit to guide us that day.

Not so fast forward...

It's been 18 months and so much has happened. How could have we continued life without you?  Most days, I still feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Yes, we're surviving but it doesn't feel right or normal (we left behind "normal" 18 months ago).
The boys and I have made heavy foot tracks on our path uphill yet forward direction.  I suppose it's what we are supposed to do.  It's what the world expects of us to function and get back to the mainstream of life. Yet, inside of me I feel conflicted sort of a betrayal of my past.  Because moving forward also means I have advanced so far away from my beautiful life with you--I feel so far away from those memories...our amazing love story, our adventures, our life as a family of four.
I'm keeping your dreams for our boys alive.  It's a monumental task, but I'm all in!
Faith, hope and love are getting us through.

The Irony

It would have been our 14 year wedding anniversary today....
I miss YOU with every ounce of my being.
I woke up this morning not quite upright as I feel my insides collapsing.
Yes, I will continue to move forward (I promise) but..
I must admit it is much harder today.  I'm tempted to take the path of least resistance..but I won't not for your sake and more importantly for our sons.

I miss you telling me that marrying me was the most important decision you ever made in your life.
I miss you telling me I'm beautiful.
I miss you holding my hand until we fall asleep
I miss our date nights..
I miss you calling me your "angel"...and now you are mine.

Strictly Ballroom

Several months ago, I decided to take ballroom lessons.  It was a desire I had many years ago but life took over..or at least my priorities as a wife, mother, volunteer and consultant overrode the desire.

Ironically this time as a single mother, who's always starved for time, I decided to awaken this passion for dance that's been dormant for decades.  I remember walking in the door of the dance studio and immediately feeling excitement.  After my first dance lesson, I was giddy and completely hooked!  Right then, I decided to indulge myself in weekly lessons.  It was therapeutic and a medium of expression for my emotions.  The short hour during the week allows me to fuel my tank with joy.

Last Saturday was my debut performance.  It was a special night because it was the culmination of something born out of my grief.  I had a blast!  To hear my family and friends cheer me on gave me  confidence knowing I have just made another leap forward in courage.  It's a night I will never forget..not so much for the experience of dancing on stage but for the healing I felt embraced me that night.

Ruminating

It's the morning after last day of school and I am reading the boys' school report card. I am reading each line with such pride on their excellent scores both on academics and character. What blesses me is not so much that they achieved this ratings but that they achieved this despite the tragedy that occurred in our lives. They worked hard, behaved well while having a hole in their hearts. They smiled and laughed a lot (Logan the official class clown), took chances (Lucas running for Student Council twice), played hard (both are the admired by their peers for their athleticism) and are leaders without a doubt. I have watched them walk the school grounds with such confidence in their step, their chins are up and friends always surrounding them. Whether they are aware of it or not, they have learned to live above their circumstance and are not defined by the circumstance.

Of course, we are just a year out and they have many more school years ahead of them..but the lesson they have learned is nothing short of extraordinary.  I am encouraged and inspired by them everyday. They have done their dad proud ! What an incredible honor to be their mother.