Life is to be Lived

It's been over 5 years now since our life change.  Our journey abounds with grace.  It's a daily conscious choice to live with gratitude and to see miracles along the way, to live in the duality of loss and gain but ultimately to know that God’s promises are there to claim.

The undeniable presence of my second teen...

The second teenager in the house.  Well, my youngest son is now 13 but as younger siblings go, there is a tendency to accelerate their emotional development faster than the older sibling as they are always wanting to catch-up.  Well, he caught up alright and slid so fast to teen hood I was "almost" caught off-guard.  

One night he begged for me to cuddle with him to bed, read stories like we did since he was a baby and the next day when I entered the room, I was accused of trespassing!

What happened to him?  Really.. in just one day you turn from mama’s baby boy to I’m a young man?!  Why didn’t you give me some warning signs like you older brother did?  Perhaps it was my naiveté  when I saw you shaving your face one morning (when a microscope can’t even detect a peach fuzz) and thought you were just experimenting?  Or was it the sudden stops at every mirror you come across and stop to fix your hair?  Or was it the plea for me to no longer buy you clothes because my taste according to you is not “chill”?

In hindsight, I suppose I was in denial because your older brother displayed a completely different set of clues. 

Clues no more...here are a few things I've learned (and still learning) from now having 2 teen boys:

They will eat you out of your house!! Stock up on food like there's a Martial law coming. Be prepared to triple your grocery budget and have more frequent shopping trips.  You will be on a first name basis with the cashier at the check-out stand.

Their love language will change from what used to be "quality time" and "physical touch" to "receiving gifts".  The words of affirmation of their love for you seem to arrive after they have received gifts, and purchases of their desire.

Never give up, even when you are at the end of your rope!  They are moody, they appear to not like you at all.  They will challenge your authority.  Accept that they have selective hearing and have to be reminded that they are still the child, a minor not capable of making adult decisions.  This will be a constant battle as they stretch their wings of independence.  Don't acquiesce..stay rooted and firm.

Give them grace time and again because it's easy to forget, when they are towering over you, that they are still maturing.  There will be lots of trial and error moments.  Pick them up when they fall and do not shame them.  They still need your guidance (subconsciously that is) because you are their parent and not their friend. 

To my youngest teen...you are still and will always be my baby boy.  I will not stop to show affection towards you even if it embarrasses you or causes you to cringe.  I will not ever stop letting you know that in these tough years ahead of raising two teen boys that my love is boundless and that also means our boundaries remain intact and shaping your character is of utmost importance to me.

I'm buckled up for this roller coaster ride.

I'm a Mom of a Teenager

Lessons I am learning as a new mom of a teenage son:

It's been 6 months since my oldest son, Lucas turned 13 and there are some lessons I have alreadly learned worth imparting.

For me, it truly was as if he turned the switch "on" his 13th bday and my sweet boy catapulted to this new sphere of existence.

He is grumpy most of the time.

It doesn't matter whether he had 12 hours of sleep. He wakes up grumpy and has emotional ups and downs. I've learned not to succumb to his mood but reflect just the opposite behavior towards him. A part of me believes that the mood swings parallel PMS in girls..boys experience the roller coaster of emotions as well. We just need a name to rationalize this behavior.

I am no longer a "cool mom".

I refuse to earn this back by dressing like a teen or compromising our family rules to allow improper leniency. And try as I may, I no longer hear the verbal affirmation he used to generously voice .."mom you are really cool". In an effort to continue connecting with him, I enter his world by learning a few of his newly formed vocabulary. I also "text" him (void of any emoticons..heaven forbid!) rather than call. I've also instituted FFF ( forced family fun activities). Of course he will automatically say no to family night board games, weekend excursions, even watching his brother's sport events.
I've learned to make sure he participates even with a sour face. Because more often that not, once we are together creating memories, he will crack a smile and I will actually see joy in his face.

Grunting is perfectly normal.

My son the voracious reader, (thank goodness!) responds to 90% (ok..70%) of my questions with a grunt. If the question solicits for a response and and action (i.e.complete his chore), the grunt is of an alto tone. I have learned to decipher the different types of grunts that come out of his mouth and no longer criticize it.

I am no longer smarter than he is (so he thinks)

I'm comforted knowing that all my friends who are moms of teens are in this same camp. All of a sudden our teens (are convinced) that they are smarter than their parents. My son likes to correct me when he finds the chance. This is part of their brain development and their attempt at forming an independent identity as they learn to become adults.


The most important lesson I've learned is to not take his teen behavior personal. It's a stage I myself went through and to remind myself to respond with kindness and extend him more grace.  What I failed to mention is that Lucas remains respectful, helpful and is a young gentleman. He is good to the core and am secure knowing his dad and I laid a solid foundation of good character in him. It is also not as important to me to be his "friend" rather ingrain in him that I am his constant source of unconditional love and support. I may have retired the "cool mom award", but I will never take for grated the incredible blessing and privilege of being a mom to this precious teen of mine.

 

 

 

Empty

There is this feeling of emptiness that comes in and out.  The empty feeling reveals itself in anxiety, fear, and restlessness.  It can be overwhelming at times. It's hard to pinpoint what the triggers are, it just comes by surprise and most times an unwelcome entry to disrupt the rhythm of my daily routine.  It does however present this gift of "pause".  It is like taking a step closer to my mirror and staring at what is, yet fearful of what's ahead, because I can't see past this mirror.
I retreat to what I have learned and now believe, is "to not rely on what is visible for they are all temporal but to invest in what is invisible, that of which is everlasting.  To depend on a power greater than oneself and truly remembering that God is infinite with his abundant blessings".  I need to repeatedly affirm and remind myself of this until I chase that emptiness away.

Creating a new Normal when Life throws you a Curve Ball

I am now almost 3 years bereaved.  At times it feels like it was just yesterday and sometimes it feels so long ago.  That stretch of time has been filled with a myriad of emotions, events and new experiences.  It forced the inevitable without a choice..to create a new “normal”  for my sons and I.  Life as we knew it no longer is, but we chose (daily) to pull our bootstraps and forge onward to continue to experience the richness that life has to offer.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Bruce would want that for us too.

At about halfway through this journey, I paused and realized that we have finally settled into our new routine.  We have adjusted to our situation and have grown tremendously in the last 3 years. 

My faith also grew stronger and it was the impetus for my courage and tenacity.

Reflecting on how we got here, there were important milestones that we crossed.

Acceptance

Accept the circumstance…period.
Accept that change is inevitable.  Yes, ours was a big one, but there are going to be thousands more changes that will occur in our lifetime.
Accept that the adjustment period is emotionally and physically exhausting.
Accept that any new habit or routine takes time to get comfortable at.  Be patient.

Re-prioritize

Remind yourself of your new priorities and create goals and activities to affirm those priorities. Re-prioritizing also means de-cluttering your life.  Surround yourself only with people you truly respect, love and care for.  Eliminate activities that does not support your values, goals and objectives in life. 

Always have a shift in perspective by thinking…”it could’ve been worst”

 Re-invent

You are not your circumstance so, bravely ask yourself who are you now?  How do you want to define yourself?  What new dreams do you have? This can be a liberating exercise for it gives you the freedom to explore new hobbies, new friendships and pave a new road for your Plan B dream.

Relax

Give yourself permission and grace to make mistakes.  You will miss the mark sometimes, but it is a lesson worth learning. 

Celebrate every occasion and even make new traditions.  Always seize opportunities for joy when they present itself…not with careless abandon but with the intention to create new fond memories aligned with a purposeful life. 

Yes, the sadness and permanence of our loss is part of our story yet, there is another chapter that has yet to be written.

Unit to Village

The boys are growing fast both physically and emotionally.  Lucas has now surpassed me in height and Logan is not far behind.

It was this summer of 2013 that I witnessed such rapid growth. 

This summer, their appetites grew, they craved for more sleep and they have become more independent in many ways. This independence although necessary, saddens me at times.  They are wanting to spend more time with friends than with me.  I struggle to find family activities that they are excited about. I feel as though they are forced to do them and they are doing so just to pacify me. It's a bitter truth I have to swallow...they are going through pre-adolescent behavior (Lucas is)...

Lucas will be 13 soon.  Whether he is consciously aware of it, he takes a valiant role of being the "Protector" of our family unit.  He takes charge of making sure all the doors are locked and alarm is on nightly. He watches out for me in his own way.

Logan will be 11 in a month.  His character more pronounced in a way that is endearing but yet unpredictable at times. He is still learning to trust his decisions and his instincts.  I predict that even as he grows older, he will always be a kid at heart.  That is the part of Bruce that is in Logan.

In this pre-teen years, I am challenged by keeping up with their activities, hormones, mood wings and their natural desire to express themselves.  I also realize more than ever that it truly takes a village to raise a family.

"The" day

I got through "The" day with equal amount of sadness and laughter. As for the boys, the jury is still out.

We did the 5K Comfort Zone Run.  The great thing about running is that you allow your mind to process whatever your emotions dictate.  It's always been therapeutic for me and now I see the boys benefiting from it too.  What a gift to have had the run for us to do that morning.

Following the run, we wanted to honor Bruce's adventurous spirit by going on an indoor skydive at Lake Perris.  The long car ride there allowed for some good conversation, mostly laughter.  I glance at them from time to time and am amazed at how they have coped so far.  Of course they made mistakes along the way (so did I) and sometimes avoidance of "The" subject still seems like a safer place to be.  They have become my silent warriors.  They have learned to fight the fear that hinders their progress.  They are the bravest boys I know.

Arriving at the Skydive place, I watched each of the boys start with a grin then a smile from ear to ear.  I can see that it was an exhilarating experience for them.  Now my smile has doubled.

We ended the day with dinner (Logan's choice) and each made a journal entry.  With Bruce in our minds and our hearts, it's all we wrote about.

It was a good day.  Bruce would be proud.

The boys are precious....life is precious !